The Worst Things For Sale

Love driving your manual-transmission car, but feel powerless when one of your hands isn’t grabbing the handle of a gun? This shifter knob is perfect for you, then, American.

How did I know you were an American? Just guessing, really. Just a guess. Please don’t shoot me.

“Carbs,” brags the bag of almost pure sugar. “Evaporated cane juice replacing sugar,” the listing says, somehow unaware that evaporating sugar-cane juice is one of the major ways of producing sugar.

The Hearthsong Buddy Bumper Ball looks like it would be fun for kids. It’d keep them entertained for an hour or two, at least. But it’s collected a host of terrible reviews, because the pictures all show two children playing with them, and the ad copy slyly doesn’t clearly say how many of them are included, so many parents have shelled out $40 for a pair of these, only to have a single Buddy Bumper Ball show up.

Also, as one reviewer noted, “FUN IDEA BUT THEY RIP APPART RIGHT AWAY”.

Roobie Breastnut’s first album, “Porn Flush,” set the stage for her musical career of combining 90s-era dance sounds with low-grade talk-singing about boobs, balls, and butts. You’d think that a musical career with songs such as “Scrotum Sack,” “Fuck Me Fuck Me,” and “Ooh Baby Naked Dance” would be impeccable, but, you wouldn’t really think that, actually. Nope.

Uncensored titty cover is on the listing page, but censored here, because god forbid you see a boob.

The LitterMaid, a self-cleaning litter box, would be a great idea. Except that it doesn’t work at all. It has over 300 negative reviews, stating that the motor’s too weak, the replaceable parts are too expensive, and the tines on the shit-rake break off easily when they try to clean your cat’s turds.

If you’re looking for a solution to having a sandy box of cat turds in your house, you might skip the LitterMate and the PetZoom (a plastic patch of astroturf) and just teach your cat to crap in the regular toilet.

PhoneSoap is a combination smart-phone charger and sanitizer. It uses UV light to sanitize your phone. Which works, to some extent. But it’s useless if you don’t wash your hands, because that’s where your phone bacteria would come from.

At the same time, if you do wash your hands, then you’re not getting bacteria all over your phone in the first place.

“Throw poopoo,” one executive said, and giggled. “Hahah throw poopies.”

The other, pacing around the room, furrowed his brow in thought for a moment. Then, his face lit with inspiration. “Haha throw poopies at HEAD! Poopy sticks to your head! Pooooooooooooopoooooooo!” The first executive leapt from his seat, held hands with the second and began to dance, kicking his heels high in the air. “Haha, doody game, poop on your head!” he cried. “Doody head, put doodies on your head, poop on your head,” laughed the second, careening through the conference room hand-in-hand with the first.