The Worst Things For Sale

Even if you were to ignore the fact that a pistachio that doesn’t open as it’s roasted is immature and doesn’t taste as good as a mature pistachio, the PistachiOpener solves a problem that doesn’t really exist. If you absolutely must eat the few nuts whose shells haven’t fully opened, you can take a half-shell from one you’ve already eaten and use it to pry the closed one open.

If you’re still using memes from 2010, you’ll love the “Deal With It” glasses. Slide them down over your face like the GIF! Wear the matching Deal With It Meme T-Shirt while you do it to achieve maximum epic memeness.

Oh, and your shoes? You better believe there are Deal With It Shoes and they’re even smoking a joint.

If you can’t already tell, we live in a dystopia. The technology we’ve spent decades to harness and refine now controls what we see via black-box algorithms. Whether it’s training us to view and like sponsored content, or simply catching us in a novelty-seeking loop to increase interaction and time-on-site for shareholders, we’ve slowly allowed the promise of the open internet to narrow and centralize until it mostly serves the needs of private investors.

The Pavlok delivers an electric shock to your wrist when it detects you are engaging in a self-declared bad habit. It connects to your phone, where you enter your bad habits. This may work (users report it breaks soon, sometimes before its first use) but it’s a short leap from masochistic lifehacking to companies offering bonuses to employees who wear Pavlok to increase their productivity at work. Then, the companies require use of Pavlok during work hours for all employees, to make it “more fair.” On-call employees have to wear them at all times outside of work, for obvious reasons.

Then, a study shows that schoolchildren show a 6% increase in test scores when equipped with Pavlok. The superintendent describes the electric shock as a “fun tickle” in the assembly where the devices are distributed.

You receive your Time-Warner Pavlok along with a pamphlet that compliance will earn you $20 off your monthly cable bill. All you have to do is remain in the room during commercial blocks. (The electric shock will warn you that you are out of compliance.)

Below is a real illustration from Sony patent 8246454 B2 from 2009. Our dystopia is real. This is what we got instead of the equality, leisure time, and freedom we could have had if the greed of the ruling class hadn’t condemned us to this living hell.

Finally. A golf club you can piss into, that stores your piss.        

In a putrid collection of dated and misused rap slang, the author of Hip-Hop For Dogs answers the questions she asks you on the back cover: “Is your dog phat? Is he a playa?” Written by someone with no apparent knowledge of culture, music, rhythm, or rhyme, it is the English As She Is Spoke of rap books.

To make a long story short: no, the iRestore (or any LED-light helmet or comb) will not make you regrow hair in your male-pattern bald spots. Yes, it looks hilarious in the manufacturer’s picture of a guy casually wearing one.

The Lunicycle is a reinvented unicycle. Unfortunately, unicycles aren’t unpopular because they’re hard to learn or because they have a “dead spot.” They’re unpopular because they’re worse than any other method of locomotion you might use, including the two-wheeled wiggly skateboard that requires you to thrash back and forth to move, and the Roller Racer.