The Worst Things For Sale

There are dozens of items titled “ASDF” for sale online. Here’s a selection of them:

“ASDF” by S. Ashton: A $6.89 paperback which appears to only contain IRS publication 10311G, the instructions for filing your federal 2012 tax return.

“ASDF: An Autosexual Odyssey”: A 398-page work of cyber-erotica which begins “Seldom do I post poetry to my blog, but”.

asdf: An audio CD available for $1.08 with a review from 2004 stating “I would recommend this CD for anyone who is into QWERTY.”

ASDF: A toy car that costs $51.82.

“ASDF: A Novelette”: a book whose author compares it to Finnegan’s Wake, which is probably true. It’s probably a lot like Finnegan’s Wake.

“asdf” by asdfasdf: A book which will be released January 1, 3333. No cover image yet, for obvious reasons.

“asdf [Single]“: A cassette single whose only picture is that of a chess set. It’s $24.18, and also out of stock.

The Dima Clarity is a $12,000 case for your iPhone 5. It also fits the iPhone 5C, in case you want to protect your $99 phone with something 121 times more expensive.

The title may be misleading. The cock ring itself isn’t a One Direction merchandise item, but for some reason, it comes with six One Direction wristbands.

EDIT: This isn’t the only item the manufacturer listed with a bunch of One Direction wristbands – they also had a “Urethral Dilator Penis Plug” which was sold with the same set of wristbands. (Google cache, since it’s gone now.)

Cheetahmen II is the sequel to the terrible game Cheetahmen, released in the early 90s on a Nintendo cartridge called “Action 52.” This was a cartridge which held 52 different terrible games, and retailed for $199. For a single game. I remember renting this piece of shit when I was a kid and feeling cheated out of two bucks. Plunking down almost two hundo would have been emotionally shattering. Cheetahmen was one of the 52 games on there, and it was as horrible as the other 51, being mostly un-fun and somewhat unplayable. Keep in mind that in 1992, your other options for fun, apart from Nintendo, were playing outside or watching TV, so it wasn’t competing against much, but it still lost.

The manufacturers decided to make a sequel, and cranked out Cheetahmen II, which, despite the fact that it’s reportedly worse than the first game, is now a collectible, selling for almost $400. I can’t believe this shitty game is still haunting the world. If we can’t get rid of Cheetahmen, we don’t have a chance at conquering true injustice.

The Nubrella is a “hands-free umbrella” perfect for the space-traveling flight attendant in your life. Make sure you see the other pictures on the manufacturer’s listing, so you can see how the manufacturer suggests you use your Nubrella. (Hint: Snow tractor.)

This tasteful ring is available in sizes 5 through 15. In case you’re wondering “who would buy that?” it has 16 customer reviews.

It’s insane that a 64GB memory card for the Playstation Vita, which has been out for two years now, is still over $100. A 64GB SD card, also made by Sony, is only $38.95. And you can use that in a camera, or for files, or lose it in your couch. Not that I have ever done that with a tiny, weightless piece of plastic.