The Worst Things For Sale

Like a Pee-pee Tee-pee for your laptop, the LapDome sits on your lap to shield your unit. Whether on the beach or a weird-ass couch, you can use your laptop with no fear that anyone will see you watching the direct-to-streaming Shia LaBeouf film “Hover With Us.”

“Color Your Anger Away,” brags the author of the number-one-best-selling-cussing-coloring-book. Hey, if that’s all it takes, go for it. At least this guy didn’t censor the swear words with little stars, like this one.

“Cupping” is an alternative/traditional-Chinese medicine technique of using suction to “pull toxins out of the body.” There’s dry cupping, wet cupping, vacuum cupping, flame cupping, and all of them work equally well, which is to say they don’t. (Cupping also results in broken blood vessels, and with cupping techniques that involve slicing or puncturing the skin before drawing a vacuum, there’s also the risk of infection and scarring.
This review of a cupping set is especially bizarre, though, as the reviewer posted a picture of herself tied down to a chair with the cups suctioned onto her legs. As the song goes, “Wet cups, you get cupped.”

This MP3 album is meant to be played to your cat, so your cat knows what a baby sounds like, because that is definitely how cats work. There’s an accompanying ebook, too (hit the “Look Inside” if you’ve got a second) because if you’ve got someone who believes cats can understand abstract ideas such as a baby or the future, you might as well get ‘em for two purchases instead of one.

Described as “Woman Breast Shape Shower,” this plastic soap/shampoo dispenser can be loaded with two separate liquids, which are dispensed (as the model demonstrates here) by squeezing one plastic tit or another.

Believably, it’s “frequently sold with” this toilet paper.

(I had to pixellate the graphic here, because of society, not because I think shampoo breasts are offensive.)

Surprisingly not by the author of “Crafting With Cat Hair,” this recipe book is stuffed with atrocious recipes that your cat can, technically, eat. Of course, if you’ve ever owned a cat, you know that giving your cat something weird usually ends with the cat batting it across the floor and leaving it to rot.

The author includes a long list of ingredients (read them all at the Look Inside) which you can’t add to your you-and-cat creations, including salt, meaning that you won’t like what you cook either.

I’ve pixellated this here because it’s pretty seriously gross, but you can buy a phone case for your Samsung or iPhone that bears an image of an infected, bloody ingrown toenail. (Don’t click if you’re eating.)