The Worst Things For Sale

Someone called “MoonSnow” is selling drawings made with human feces for $100 a pop.  I blurred the image because it’s poop smeared on paper. The original image is there in the listing, though.

Saffron is, biologically speaking, the dried stigmas of the crocus flower. It’s orange in color and used culinarily for its color and scent. It contains small amounts of terpenes and other organic compounds (like safranal) which are weak antioxidants and mild anticonvulsants, but as you might imagine, saffron extract does not cause a person’s appetite to be diminished. Nor does it cause thermogenesis (the most common pharmaceutical method of weight-loss.)

Like many of the supplement fads of the past few years, it was pushed by Dr. Oz, a television doctor who is paid by supplement companies to promote their products. Dr. Oz has also been directly responsible for the Garcinia Cambogia fad/scam, promoting it heavily in 2012 despite widespread scientific studies showing it has no appetite-suppression or thermogenesis-promoting properties.

Before garcinia, Dr. Oz promoted green coffee-bean extract and raspberry ketones as weight-loss supplements. No peer-reviewed study has proven that either of these supplements induce weight loss, either.

Given the fact that Dr. Oz has a history of promoting homeopathy in addition to one weight-loss scam after another, it only stands to reason that he just last month published a book called “You: The Owner’s Manual,” a book that tells you how to be healthier and younger. It’s a #1 New York Times bestseller. It has sold over a million copies.

Cool.

This $43 GPS tracker apparently works just fine, but now you are aware that anyone who has $40 to spare can monitor where your car is at all times, and, if they’re able to pop your hood to do a full install, they can cut your car’s power remotely at any time. Not creepy at all.

Wiping your ass with novelty toilet paper printed with money is a good metaphor for spending seven actual dollars on a tiny roll of one-ply TP. Not unbelievably, it’s “frequently bought together” with hundred-dollar-bill napkins.

Neither of them, though, have the money-flushing power of this $8,000 screenprint of a hundred-dollar bill.

I love my family. But I don’t want to try to sleep all night inside a big insulated plastic bag with them. The manufacturer claims it fits four “if you have young children”, which may be technically true, but I dare you to stay asleep in a padded sweatbag with a five-year-old pushing her knees into the small of your back and sleep-talking about Dinosaur Train.

This book came out in 2011. Pictured on its cover is the Myspace logo, Scooby Doo, a Logitech webcam, Mickey Mouse, an old cellphone, and “The Thinker,” among other things. This would be funny as a statement about how parents will never understand the media the next generation consumes, but, no, it’s sincere, and it also quotes Hall And Oates and Little Richard when talking about “contemporary music.” 

These oreos are “Blizzard Flavored”, but if you note that the Dairy Queen Blizzard on the package is full of ground-up Oreos, it’s a cookies-and-creme flavored Oreo. The Oreo is flavored with itself. It’s an Oreo flavored Oreo. Soylent Oreo is made of Oreos.