The Worst Things For Sale

The “FUN LIGHT SWITCH BOX”, which is titled in all-caps by the manufacturer, is a $69.95 kit which, after you drill 17 holes and wire up all of the buttons and lights, allows you to turn on the lights by turning the switches on and off. You can also turn the lights off. “FUN.”

Is the joke that the pepper is “hand-ground” in this hand-shaped pepper mill really worth $94.95?

The White Castle scented candle fills your house with the sensual aroma of White Castle hamburgers. It’s not “bread” or “hamburger” scent. It’s actual “White House Grease And Onion Scent.”

Amazon Prime, the $79-a-year service by Amazon that gives you free 2-day shipping on almost everything on their site, is now offering 30-day free trials. That sounds great, but it’s just a way to trick you into staying home even more than you do now. I live less than a mile from the grocery and I order food on Amazon Prime.

If a person buying food from a bookstore doesn’t convince you that this service is truly maleficent: they let anyone with an Amazon Prime membership watch basically any TV show, streaming, for free.

There’s also the small issue of the drones they’re going to start using in 2015, but I’ve already written about that.

It’s reassuring to know that in our modern hell-world, where we can stream giga-hardcore videos of men and women brutalizing themselves in all holes, you can still get softcore porn. (The cover is blurred here for what I hope are obvious reasons. You can see the uncensored Zen Garden Nipples on the product page.)

The highlight of Pure Nude Yoga: Zen Garden Goddess is the reviews. It’s accumulated ninety of them as of right now, and include such gems as “I bought this mainly because I’m into staring at naked girls and sort of was interested in trying yoga.” Another notes that “toward the end, [she was] looking distinctly sunburned.”

For those who aren’t satisfied with this toe into the pool of creepvids, there is Totally Nude Balance Ball Workout, and Nude House Cleaning Top To Bottom. If I have to pick a highlight, it’s a man who calls himself Chuck Steak, who one-stars “House Cleaning” and then comes back to his own review, four months later, to say “I haven’t watched this since the initial viewing.” Keep us updated, Chuck.

You couldn’t find a box where the candy canes were lined up? You had to go with the first one you pulled out of the carton?

Call me crazy, but wouldn’t it be harder to try to keep a plastic spoon stuck on the end of your finger, and eat with a fingertip-spoon, than to use a regular plastic spoon? And aren’t plastic spoons cheaper than $16.89 for a four-pack?