The Worst Things For Sale

Even if you had 49 USB devices to plug into this 49-port USB hub, wouldn’t you agree that $1,149.00 is a bit much to ask for it?

I’m sorry, child chef! I just thought that–

I’m sorry, coffee mug!

I’m sorry, teddy bear!

I’m really sorry, 2-pack of can coolers!!!

AAAAAH I’M SORRY!!!!!!

I covered the Rockabye Baby series of cover albums last year. But for some reason, a new series, called Twinkle Twinkle Rock Star, has decided they want to compete with Rockabye Baby in making twinkling-bell covers of music that 30-year-olds like. It wouldn’t be worth mentioning at all if they hadn’t made a Phish-For-Babies album, but they did.

“Shhh, shhh,” the Phish dad says, as his child cries. “Just keep listening. You’ll get into it. Trust me. You’ll be a Phish-head any day now.” He picks up the ipod, clicks around for a moment, and sets it back down. “Phish isn’t the only jam band, either, kid. I’ve got a lullaby version of Widespread Panic that’ll really make you twirl in circles in a dirty field for hours.”           

The Romo “Robotic Pet” Robot is a $149 way to let your child learn how to pull your iPhone 5 out of its case, attach it to treads, and drive it down a flight of stairs. 

Reviewers of this eight-pound bag of poppy seeds repeatedly claim it’s “unwashed”, which might sound disgusting, but in reality it means that the outside of the seeds carries some trace amounts of poppy latex. This latex contains a large quantity of morphine (and related compounds) and it’s this same latex that’s collected and processed to make heroin.

Poppy seeds like these can be cooked into “poppy seed tea”, which is an extraction of the active ingredients. Unfortunately, since the opiate levels in the residual latex isn’t quantified, users can easily overdose on their legal morphine-juice. It’s also terribly addictive, and should your supply of unwashed poppy-seeds run out, your alternatives are pills, heroin, or withdrawals. I’m no Nancy Reagan, but chugging the tinctures from eight pounds of flower seeds sounds like a great way to turn your life into a nightmare. 

Load your eggs into this expensive plastic tray and it will tell your phone when your eggs are about to go bad. It will also show you which eggs are the oldest and should be eaten first. None of this makes sense, when you consider that eggs are sold in a paper carton with an expiration date, and if you have two cartons, you can eat the eggs from the older one first. 

This $25.99 ebook, written by an online magician named Dreamweaver, purports to hold sigils, which, if you draw them on objects, will create magical servants to carry out tasks for you. It has a “look inside” preview, if you want a taste of this powerful magic that is definitely real.