The Worst Things For Sale

What is adult life if not the simple, cheap joys of childhood sold back to us at a premium? It used to be that companies would make shiny, mass-produced, clam-packaged versions of our memories and sell them back to us in chain stores, but now, people handmake our shitty old stuff and charge us even more for it. “It’s just like the wooden slingshot you used to make as a kid,” says the manufacturer, even though the price implies it should probably be a whole lot better than something I’d make with a stick in the woods as a child.

They also make a hundred-dollar “Tree Swing,” which is a board with two holes drilled in it.

Onlookers gasp as you pull out your grenade, then sigh in relief when they see you’re actually trying to kill them with a knife.

The Beer Tracker is a bottle-opener that counts how many beers you’ve opened with it. Per the customer reviews, it works about as well as you’d expect.

How could you invent BikeBalls and then sell it as “Heart-Shaped Bike Light”?! You could have at least asked a few cyclists what it’s like to ride a bike and called them NumbNutz or BlueBallz.

The Boys Bible brags “Finally, a Bible that’s just for BOYS!” Apparently the stuff about beating and stoning your wife was too girly.

Is there a Girls Bible? Yes, and it’s called “faithgirlz.”

When I am older, I shall perform the ass-dance, as my elders have instructed.

“PREPARE FOR SOME SERIOUS LAUGHS,” promises the manufacturer of this Donald Trump toilet-paper roll. It’s, not surprisingly, purchased with this roll of novelty toilet paper.