The Worst Things For Sale

In case you’re one of those “bacon guys” who is also planning for a pending world apocalypse, canned bacon might be just what you need for your basement. The manufacturer claims it stays edible for 10 years after purchase. Of course, if the world has ended, it’ll probably be hard to get a refund if your bacon’s bad.

The Original “Terminator” Zapper (quotes are the manufacturer’s, not mine) claims to heal your Sacred Hoop. It mentions orgonite, magnets, energy, “magick”, and living a hundred years… why don’t you read the full description of the things that two pennies hot-glued to a plastic box can accomplish?

Then, if your faith in humanity is not destroyed, read the 13 customer reviews, all of whom seem to believe in this device, and go on to mention “Blood Electrification” and the 528Hz healing frequency.

This “inkless pen” works with the magic of lead. The metal lead. You know… the neurotoxic metal that poisoned the Romans, that you have to scrape out of your old house using a respirator, that you have to test your kid for?

Lead is a soft metal, so if you draw on paper with it, it’ll leave a grey line on the paper. Made out of lead. Now you’ve got a paper covered in lead.

Just in case you think I’m confused and you’re all ready to send me a mad email – no, it doesn’t use graphite, which is the “lead” in mechanical pencils. It uses actual lead.

The GoateeSaver allows you to bite a plastic template to prevent you from messing up your goatee.

Whatever your political inclination, it’s always funny to check up on pre-election cash-in books by presidential candidates of the past. “No Apology”, Mitt Romney’s paean-to-himself, checks in at $3.21 for the hardcover.

The John Kerry title “Call To Service” is available for as little as $0.01.

But my favorite failed-president book is Bob Dole: A Pictorial History Of A Kansan. The publishers were like “Fuck the words, you don’t read words. We got pictures. Bob Dole.”

Medical problems can cause your gas to smell horrendous or be produced in large volumes. So, assuming it works, the Subtle Butt “disposable gas neutralizer” might be great if you have this problem.

I put it here on this page for the customer who gave it one star because “I am looking for a product that will intensify the smell.” 

This book would have some potential if it weren’t full of entries like “In 1954, a man ejaculated 15 ml.” That’s all it says on the topic, no name, no source.

I’m sure the contents of this book were scraped together from a few websites and condensed into a crummy Kindle book in a couple of days, but I’d like to imagine that the author compiled it from his own research, hours and hours of knocking on doors, asking people “So, ever have a really large nude wedding? No? Okay, how about a… (looks at paper) anal gangbang with over 40 participants? No? Okay, thanks for your time.”

(If you’re in the mood for more unverifiable “sex world records”, there is, as always, the “look inside” link.)