The Worst Things For Sale

The manufacturer’s instructions are simple: “Rub on oil on the inside of your wallet everyday.” Well, shit, that’s bound to make me oil money drawing. Wait, what?

It’s a “Ball Sack” for girls! It’s funny because it’s a golf ball and not a testicle, which is a sex organ that a male animal has. It says “Girls need balls to golf” because most women aren’t born with testicles, which are called “balls” for slang!

So, this is stupid, and nobody wants it, right? Nope. It’s one of the top-selling golf accessories.

This book combines two of my least favorite things. No, it’s not a musical about sports! It’s a celebrity psychic!

Finally, we can learn what happens to celebrities after they die! I bet it’s definitely not that they are underground skeletons.

This two-dollar bill costs $9.98. In fact, there are a ton of two-dollar bills being sold online for inflated prices.

Most banks will give you a two-dollar bill for exactly two dollars, if you want one. If you want a whole bunch, they can usually get you as many as you want with some advance notice. They’re cool as long as you don’t become that smug guy who pushes them on idiot teens in big-box stores and then sneers “IT’S LEGAL TENDER. BET YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT VINYL RECORDS ARE EITHER.”

The manufacturer of “VULVA Original” describes their product as “the intimate female scent as smelling pleasure” and “real odorous substance.” I won’t deny you the pleasure of reading the other horrible, creepy ways they describe this artificial-genital liquid, so read the rest here.

I’ve never understood the preoccupation with sneaking alcohol into places. It’s not that I don’t like to drink in public; I do, it’s fun and healthy. I just don’t understand why the age-old standby of putting liquor or wine into an empty can of pop doesn’t work for anyone else but me.

Take, for example, the iPhone flask. Nothing to see here, just a weirdly-shaped black plastic box covered in iPhone stickers that I’m drinking out of! No need to smell me, officer.

If you’re the kind of person to look over your shoulder and then very quietly say the n-word, you’ll love this book of “dirty words.” It might also be up your alley if you think having sex with children is a laugh riot! In fact, it spans the rainbow of shitheads, and has something for misogynists, homophobes, American xenophobes, and every other color of horrible person.

It’s one of the top-selling dictionaries online, just in case you’re wondering how many people across the globe decided they needed a comprehensive list of how to demean anyone who isn’t a heterosexual white man.