The Worst Things For Sale

Having a sticky pad on your car’s dashboard to hold your keys would be really handy… IF THEY DIDN’T HAVE TO BE IN THE IGNITION TO MAKE THE CAR DRIVE. 

Let me stun you by telling you that the author of this already visibly-horrifying book has included a special section on how to cheat a Thai prostitute out of her payment. He doesn’t just want to go to Thailand and pay for sex. He wants to steal sex from the prostitutes.

It’s like a turd shit out a tiny, horrible, even stinkier turd, and then that turd got a boner, and then wrote a book.

The EZYolk is a $9.99 rubber gadget that you squeeze over an egg to suck the yolk up into the green bulb. Then you squeeze it out into a separate bowl.

This would be a great idea if you couldn’t separate eggs by cracking an egg into your hand and draining the whites through your fingers, or by cracking an egg and pouring the yolk back and forth between the two halves of the egg.

Don’t cry for EZYolk, though, since humanity could be defined as the only species on earth to pay money for things it could get for free, with less dishwashing.

These knives fit inside each other, which looks neat, but they cost $741.00 for a set of four. Also, the blades are hollow, and the handles are squared-off and awkward.

But it has a bunch of funny reviews, so not all is lost here.

The 50 grams of protein in each of these Carnivor protein shots is made from approximately 6 ounces of raw lean beef. If you’re wondering “how can it taste good if you chemically process beef and condense it into four ounces of liquid?” the answer is that it doesn’t.

The thick, sickly-sweet liquid goes down your gullet without too much complaint, but then there’s the aftertaste. To condense the beef into liquid, it’s hydrolyzed, which means it’s treated with enzymes to chop the long beef protein strands into shorter pieces. This mix of amino acids and short proteins tastes remarkably similar to protein that’s broken down inside your own gastric system by largely the same process as the hydrolysis.

Which means: it’s vomit. It’s actual, honest-to-god beef vomit. If you ate six ounces of raw beef, let it digest a little bit, then horked it back up, mixed in a kool-aid packet, and sucked it back down, you’ve got Carnivor.

And if you bought the twelve-pack, you’ve still got 11 to go.

BREAKING NEWS: We have discovered the rockets Kim Jong Un has been threatening to fire at the US. The manufacturer refused to respond to our requests for information about their nuclear capabilities.

You can’t get magnets of the children who work around the clock in the Foxconn factory in Shenzhen to make iPhones and iPads. And that’s a shame, because they can’t afford to buy iPhones themselves, and they keep throwing themselves out of the building because they hate working there, and they have to live there. It would be nice to memorialize the men and women, girls and boys, who toil endlessly in grime and chemicals to bring us the glowing rectangles we can’t pull ourselves away from.

Anyway, here are some App Magnets. So your fridge can look like an iPhone. Forget about those factory workers! Your fridge is an app! Yaaaaaayyyyy!!!

Sent from my iPhone