The Worst Things For Sale

You might be looking at the product packaging for Bowser Beer, wondering “How is it beer if it’s non-alcoholic and contains no hops?” The answer is: It’s not beer at all, it’s just a mixture of barley, beef broth, and chicken. And at $16 for a six-pack, it’s more expensive than most actual beer.

The next time you want to give your dog a special treat, strap on a latex glove and express the hell out of his anal glands. It’s cheaper and the dog won’t wonder why you’re always chugging beef broth when you watch TV after work.

Why say “Happy Valentine’s Day” when you could say “Go in the bathroom and thread these plastic pearls through your mail slot and donut hole.”

I have a cereal dispenser in my house, and it didn’t cost $33. It’s called the box the cereal came in.

This benzocaine tastes great! The only downsie is tha I can’ fee muh wips. Or muh tuh. Mmmuuuuh. I cah fee muh fae.

I want coffee so bad I’m going to shoot you!!! Ha ha, no, just kidding, it’s just a gun mug, but if it was a real gun, everyone at this office would be dead, ha ha.

It’s a joke, why aren’t you laughing? Bang! Ha! Not a real gun, just a mug.

Natureday’s “Breast Enhancement Soap” claims to enlarge breasts when you wash your breasts with the soap. I was skeptical, but all of the obviously fake, barely-literate five-star reviews really convinced me.

The same manufacturer makes Breast Enhancement Cream, Breast Enhancement Pills and Breast Enhancement Liquid. Curiously absent, of course, is Self Esteem Enhancement Ointment, or It’s OK To Have Regular Boobs Loofah. That’s just the way the quasimedical herb industry goes, I guess.

By the way, that’s not a real picture of the soap. The manufacturer’s own JPEG was only 100 pixels across, so I did them the favor of creating a new picture for them. You’re welcome, Questionably Effective Titsoap Company.

This “exercise kit” is two plastic pads you stand on, and slide around on, on the carpet, to exercise. It’s $29.95, which is a great price for two flat pieces of plastic.

You need to read the manufacturer’s description of what kind of fitness you’ll get by sliding around on these plastic pieces. It’s a core workout, AND better than “any machine”, AND you can use it at the gym. Because that’s what you need after spending thirty bucks on eight cents of plastic. You need the people rolling around on those big red bouncy balls to look at you and think, “Wow, I am definitely not doing the worst and dumbest exercise in this building at this moment.”

Seriously, read what they claim these two pieces of plastic will do for your body.