The Worst Things For Sale

“Booty Call” is the name of this mystery product, which comes in a plain jar with an Avery label stuck to it. The manufacturer describes it as “Anal – Vaginal – NIPPLE Skin Bleach”, and promises it will “bleach your skin very effectly.”

After all, if you’re going to do something questionable and dangerous on a sensitive part of your body, why not do it with the most questionable product you can find?

Most of us are looking at about 78 years here on Big Blue & Green. Each second that ticks down, each GIF you scroll past, is sand through the hourglass. You will never get that back. Time, entropy, going off a diet, these things are all irreversible.

Given that we must make the best of the tiny amount of time we’re going to breathe air and eat food, is the best use of our lives to purchase and use a Spider Catcher? To relocate spiders from inside the house to the outside, without hurting them?

Or is this, the preservation of arguably non-conscious life that exists mainly to murder and eat insects, the true meaning of our lives?

I’ll let you ponder that. I’ve got bugs to squash and about 200 episodes of COPS that aren’t going to watch themselves.

The MudJug Portable Spittoon is portable, because why have a spittoon if it’s not portable?

I wasn’t going to post about this, because I thought, “Well, better a spittoon than an old Mountain Dew bottle full of dip spit” but then I saw “Customers who bought this also bought” and it was full of confederate flags and I couldn’t resist.

Also, they have it in camouflage, because what good’s a spittoon if the enemy can see you? Ptuh.

“The Young Man’s Guide To Female Management,” reads the subtitle of this book. “Female” is the favorite word of men’s-rights advocates, after all, because unlike “women” or “ladies”, it doesn’t imply that they are human.

The most curious thing about people who hold these appalling views on women – that they are all lazy, gold-diggers, greedy, manipulative, et cetera – is that they are still obsessed with “getting” and “keeping” women, as they would a car, or an action figure. If women must be managed, if they are this antisocial, this awful, why pursue them at all?

I can’t answer that question. Maybe there is no reasonable answer. Anyway, as you might expect, the reviews point out that it’s riddled with grammatical and spelling errors.

You could buy this 24-karat gold case for your iPhone 4. Or, since it costs $1,748.06, you could buy eight new iPhone 5s.

Or three hundred fast-food meals.

Or 2900 pounds of bananas.

“Happy Habitat” is a great name for this cat tent. Anything named “Happy House” or “Happy Home” means it’s small and depressing, and the Happy Habitat does not disappoint. It’s a tent, which you put outdoors, and then you put your indoor cat into the tent.

The picture I used above is supplied by the manufacturer, by the way. A cat lady outside in the yard, with a mad cat in a tent walking around like he will never drink enough water to make enough urine to show you how he feels about the tent. I strongly recommend that you go past this tip of the iceberg and look at the 37 (YES, THIRTY-SEVEN) customer images available for the Happy Habitat Cat Detention Camp.

This black shell is actually a pencil. It’s a big chunk of graphite. You write with the sharp end of the shell.

It costs $57 and it doesn’t have wood on it to keep you from getting graphite on your hands. It’s also in the shape of a fucking shell. If you find that too practical, though, the manufacturer also offers a $57 “pencil” in the shape of an eagle’s head.