The Worst Things For Sale

Ringly is a ring that vibrates and flashes when you receive a notification on your phone, which it pairs to via Bluetooth. It’s apparently meant for people who find that their phone doesn’t buzz, chirp, hum, plink, beep, or ping them enough. And it’s expensive. But can you really put a price on constant validation?

Ten bucks doesn’t seem too bad for an imaginary friend. The manufacturer insists that it is “REAL” (their capitalization.)

The same seller also offers “Human Soul (Alive),” if you just want to own a soul without the burden of friendship.

No! NO! BAD! That is not the chalice! You are licking the goddamn toilet! BAD! Bad bredren!

Winbot is a “window cleaning robot” styled after the Roomba. Unfortunately, users report that it not only leaves streaks when cleaning (during the times it doesn’t stop working entirely) and falls off the window, but multiple reviewers note that it broke their window.

This sixteen-pound lump of cyberflesh, an adult novelty, is described as “Threesome” by the manufacturer. It is, of course, a Onesome, a point lost on the reviewers, who were disappointed in it for other reasons.

(I have pixellated the image above for obvious reasons, but you can see the uncensored version on the listing, if you’re not at work.)

Just like the bulletproof backpacks that came out after a round of school shootings a couple years back, the SkySaver is meant to capitalize on your fear of being stuck in a burning skyscraper in a post-9/11 world. It’s an insanely expensive one-time-use cable and rappelling harness that you use, once, to escape from the window of a room that’s up to 260 feet away from the street.

Since the only way to actually review one of these would be to blow a thousand bucks by testing it, there aren’t any reviews from people who have actually used it. And if your skyscraper catches on fire, and it fails to save your life, you won’t leave a review either. Given the statistics of skyscraper fires, and the limitations of this device, it’s likely that no one who has purchased one will actually use it as intended.

Bullet push-pins are the perfect gift for the ultraviolent person in your life who would love to shoot his cork-board but doesn’t want to pay to repair the wall behind it. They’re also perfect for sticking into a map to mark your past shooting sprees… or plan them for the future.