The Worst Things For Sale

I’ve got a hundred and one things to do with bacon too.

1. Eat it

2-101. Go fuck yourself

It’s not just that a “Ghost Hunting Kit” is $99 of little plastic boxes that don’t do anything. Yes, “ghost hunting” is sad, and yes, if you are spending money on gadgets to hunt ghosts, you either need a hug or some mental healthcare.

The real issue I have with this is: when you finally hunt that ghost, what are you going to do with it? Eat it? No, you’re not gonna eat the ghost. You’re just hunting down the ghost so you can mess with it. Leave the damn ghost alone. If you believe in them you should also believe in letting them float around naturally, and not bothering them. Take only ghost photographs, leave only ghost footprints.

There’s nothing wrong with an adult toy. Maybe you wanna put the Belladonna Bitch Fist in your treasure-hole, or you want to put it in your b-hole, or you want to tie someone up and whack them on the back of the head with it. As long as you’re both willing, great, have fun, that’s what we’re here for. (Or rather, we are here for no reason at all, and we might as well have cool fucked-up sex before we start to rot.)

The reason this item is here is because it’s a pack of 4 Belladonna Bitch Fists. After a certain number, like, maybe, one, your return on investment has to drop off pretty sharply. There just aren’t that many more things you can do with 4 Bitch Fists than you can with one.

I knew that people still played Magic: The Gathering, but I didn’t know that individual cards from the 1990s were worth a thousand dollars. I had that thousand-dollar joint up there along with this $295 one too. There are others I found that I’m pretty sure I had and are worth a ton, but I don’t remember because as soon as I turned 16 I sold them all for gas money.

Also if I had stayed in college I would definitely be a doctor by now.

I guess that’s why they invented bourbon and why I drink it.

Hey, they made a Words With Friends board game! It’s called SCRABBLE and it was invented in 1938, you fucking assholes.

(Thanks to @boring_as_heck for the tip.)

Hanukkah is almost over, so it’s almost too late for me to post No Limit Texas Dreidel.

Almost.

It’s awful not to receive a present for Christmas, but getting “nothing” instead is much, much worse. There’s no way you can pretend that they forgot, or were stressing out so hard about trying to make you happy that they were unable to make it to the store. It shows a level of commitment to making your holiday shitty that most people don’t have for buying an actual present.