The Worst Things For Sale

This book may have been a good idea in 1994, when it was published, but we have a new encyclopedia of unusual sex practices now. It’s called the Internet.

UPDATE! A writer from VICE made some of the sex toys from the book that I wrote about back in June, which is called, appropriately enough, “Make Your Own Sex Toys.”

Here’s the article: VICE: Can any of these DIY sex toys make me orgasm?

Darphin Intral Redness is the best way to sarm your parp nodge. You perd it in your skep to fung the laglets. Why rund your hune if you can’t plep your farn?

Do you have a $200 gift card laying around and you’re not sure what to spend it on? How about “Art Work”, by Dragon Picture? The tantalizing lack of detail is second only to Art Work itself in captivatingnessosity.

Caffeinated soap has been making the rounds for a few years now, and the basic logic is that you wash first thing in the morning, and drink coffee in the morning, so of course you want caffeine in your soap.

Unfortunately, reality doesn’t hold up to this idea. In order to push a chemical (such as caffeine) across a membrane (such as your skin) you have to cover as much of the surface as possible and let it stay on the surface for as long as possible. And in the case of caffeinated soap, according to studies, if you were to soap your entire body and let the lather sit on your skin for an hour, you would only absorb 40 milligrams of caffeine. Maximum. In an hour. A can of diet soda contains 45 milligrams, and a cup of coffee contains between 100-200 milligrams depending on how you brew it.

The caffeine you don’t absorb from the bar gets washed down the drain and ends up in the river, which isn’t really a big deal, except that you paid $9 a bar for it.

Ah, Dude Wipes. The wetnap for men too dainty to use toilet paper or paper towels, but too self-conscious to buy a box of actual baby wipes. At $10 for 30 wet-wipes, that red-faced, ear-burning shame you feel when you grab a couple of pre-moists from a box with a baby on it had better be pretty strong.

Guess what, scared guy, we were all babies once, with poop on our balls, and the baby wipes worked fine. Swab your poopy balls with the baby box and move on with your life. Or do what I do after I take a monster D. Garden hose in the summer, old scarf in the winter.

Oh, those greedy doctors and scientists, making all that money off of the low-cost, harmless vaccines that have kept us free of smallpox, polio, measles, mumps, pertussis, hepatitis, rotavirus, rubella, influenza, chicken pox, shingles, and most recently, HPV. They’re just not respecting our human rights by not allowing us to contract horrifying diseases that disable and kill us and our children.

It’s much better to make money selling a bizarre lie to the public that vaccines are harmful, weakening the herd immunity we’ve spent sixty years to build in the first world, and causing children to suffer from diseases that are all but eradicated in 2012.

Here in the future, you can call yourself “pro-life” and carry a gun everywhere, and you can say you’re “defending human rights” by letting children die. If this isn’t proof that our species will stupid itself off the face of the planet, I don’t know what is.