The Worst Things For Sale

Theoretically, the Sharkbanz, a wristband containing a magnet, will keep a shark from attacking you if you wear it while you’re in the ocean. As you might imagine, it doesn’t work. Here’s a video of a shark eating a Sharkbanz:

Adding insult to injury, customer reviews mostly agree that it’s poorly made and falls apart easily, which must have taken considerable effort considering the low cost and ease of manufacture of a rubber wristband.

Goat Mug is a horn-shaped vessel meant to be used for coffee. It’s only barely a mug, really, as it has no handle, nor a flat bottom, offering instead a cloth strap printed with the words “GOAT STORY.” Here’s a goat story for you: I’m not drinking coffee out of a $30 horn. The end.

iGreet is a series of greeting cards that you must scan using the iGreet app on your phone in order to view, after you receive one in the mail. They combine the speed of delivery of the US Postal Service with the convenience of scanning a QR code and downloading an app you’ll only use once.

Spurred by the runaway success of Towlhub, the paper towel holder that functions as a USB hub (or perhaps burdened with thousands of unsold units), the makers of Towlhub have invented TowlTunes, which is the same thing, except it also has a Bluetooth speaker in it.

In your paper towel holder.

This mug has a shelf on it (see the pic of the mug minus donut) to set a donut on, to warm the donut up. Of course, by setting a donut atop a steaming vessel full of liquid, you now have a wet donut. The manufacturer also touts the ceramic shelf as a way to keep your moustache clean when you drink coffee, which might work, if you hadn’t just melted a bunch of sugar onto it.

The Neck Hair Guide is a piece of plastic that you strap to your neck to cut your neck-hair straight across, by yourself. It costs $9.99. If you can’t tell if you’re cutting your neck-hair straight across, you won’t be able to see if the Neck Hair Guide is crooked, either.

It is, surprisingly, not by the makers of GoateeSaver, the goatee template you bite to hold on your face while you shave around your goatee.

No, you can’t cure cancer by drinking carrot juice. You can’t begrudge someone for coming up with bizarre ideas to try to cope with mortality, but you can absolutely begrudge them for telling other people to drink carrot juice instead of receiving treatments which are clinically proven to treat cancer.

At least, unlike giving bleach to autistic children, carrot juice won’t hurt you.