The Worst Things For Sale

The $199 Kindle Fire tablet-computer is a great gift for when you want to tell someone “I love you, but I don’t iPad love you.”

The “One Trip Grip” is a piece of plastic that you put shopping bags on so you can carry all your groceries at the same time. Unfortunately for the genius who came up with this piece of shit, most people already have a device that enables them to carry more than one shopping bag. It’s called a hand.

This tiny $32 bottle of pheromones is perfect for the woman who doesn’t realize that the best way to attract a man is to exist and be female.

I understand that “people who collect cat hair” is probably a bigger audience than any of us realize. Right now, someone is stuffing loose cat hair in a bag, their mind racing as they stuff it in their closet on top of their other bags of cat hair, heart pounding, thinking I can’t throw this away. Something bad will happen. 1, 2, 3. 1, 2, 3.

So I regret to inform you that there is no self-help portion to this book. It’s just a list of crafts you can make with the cat hair you save because your mind is fucked up. But, hey, if you live in a house with enough cat hair that you can make shit out of the cat hair, maybe you just need a little cat puppet made out of cat hair that fell out of a cat’s body to keep you company. I’m not judging anyone here.

Hahahaha yes I am.

The anguish that comes when looking at a $1,150 “wedge bootie” is not simply aesthetic disdain. The anguish that we feel when we look and think about this is what the money could have been spent on. Someone with bad taste is taking this amount of money, and stomping around on the money about 3 times, and then throwing the money in the trash when it gets dirty. It’s a good metaphor for America in 2012.

From an epicurean standpoint, maybe keeping your milk and cereal separate makes sense. But the problem I have with this bowl is that it’s the size of about 4 regular cereal bowls, and enables you to load up about 2000 calories of cereal and milk, which means you can sit there and shovel an entire day’s worth of calories into your face without even pausing to get up for more cereal.

Maybe you’re a performance athlete and you need this many carbs, in which case, go for it. Don’t let me stop your performance. But to me, a non-performance non-athlete, it looks like a one way trip to diabetes.

Sadly, the description for this object does not say “With my mind on your bookshelf and the current time and temperature on my mind.”