The Worst Things For Sale

This urinal is labeled as being “high efficiency.” I’m not sure what that means in the land of urinals, but at $1,111,071.01, it had better reach out and shake my dick off when I’m done using it.

Unless it’s full of ATP, which is a molecule used to transfer energy between cells in the body, this four-ounce bottle of “Cell Food” is not full of cell food. It is, however, full of extract of a Malaysian plant called Garcinia Cambogia which has been shown to have no effect on weight-loss.

Just in case you think “oh well, no harm done,” Garcinia Cambogia has also been shown to cause liver damage. And the customer reviews for this $28 mildly-poisonous product include a woman using it for her husband’s cancer. So it’s not only ineffective and possibly toxic, but it’s pretty fucking depressing too!

Inspirational wall banner, your heart is in the right place, but here’s some real advice from a wolf:

1. Howl a lot and do it all night long.

2. Eat cats and small animals from a neighborhood.

3. Turn into a dog and go live in the neighborhood.

4. You’re a dog now.

Let me admit that I haven’t read “Cosmo’s Sexiest Stories Ever: Three Naughty Tales,” but I’d imagine it goes something like this.

Caroline touched Gregory’s weenie lightly, with her fingernails, because she knew it drove men crazy. “Wow,” Gregory said. “Wow, a lot, those fingernails are sexy.” Caroline smiled, and then took about 6 ice cubes and rubbed them on his huevos.

“That’s a cold and sexy huevo!” Gregory screamed. “Get that huevo mega sexy!” He leaned back, and sighed, and said “I’m definitely taking the kids to soccer tonight. You just relax and have a hot bath.”

Caroline smiled. It was so mega sexy for her man to do that. “You’re cooking dinner, too,” she purred, rubbing another ice cube on his huevo.

Last decade, I went on the Atkins diet for about a year. Why? Because I’m fat sometimes and that was the diet everyone was doing in 2003, get off my case. Also, because you could eat a lot of steak.

Sugar-free candy was a refreshing break from the meat, eggs, and meat you eat on the Atkins diet. This stuff seemed miraculous (“No net carbs!”) until the fateful day I ate more than one piece of candy. Which was also the fateful day I bought my first bag of sugar-free candy.

The main ingredient in Russell Stover sugar-free candy is maltitol. This, and other sugar alcohols, are replacements for sugar in candy. They have similar physical properties to sugar, which makes it easy to use as a bulking agent in candy. If you use aspartame or sucralose, they’re so much sweeter than sugar that you have to add fillers like maltodextrin (a starch) which screws up the no-carb thing.

Maltitol and other sugar alcohols are not absorbed well in the small intestine, which means your blood sugar doesn’t spike so sharply when you eat sugar alcohols. Which is kinda good. The bad part is that they’re still in your intestine, and when the bacteria down there eats the sugar alcohols, you get gas. A lot of gas. A lot of really horrible-smelling gas that bloats your whole digestive tract. Sometimes accompanied by diarrhea, which, propelled by the large volume of gas generated by your gut flora, shoots out of your b-hole with frightening velocity.

The moral of this particular shit-velocity story is that if you want to diet, portion control and moderation always beat loopholes and fake food. But you can’t sell willpower in bottles. Well, actually, you can, but it’s aromatherapy, and let’s wait until another day to open that particular can of worms.

Look at those sports! LOOK AT THEM LITTLE CHAMP!!!! You ain’t growin’ up to be some kind of communist fuckin’ book reader, you’s gonna play man sports with balls! I’m hangin’ this over your cardboard sleepin’ box so you ain’t end up like one them college kids, touchin’ their goddamn phones all the time.

Kids, I know we haven’t eaten dinner in five months… but I’ve been saving up for something really fun. Disney? Ha! No, not Disney! Something even better.

Give up?

It’s a Windows game called Family Fun And Learning and it was only $583.60.

Why are you crying? It comes with Animal Fun, AND Kid Pack, AND Fun Pack. It’s a 3-in-1 Value Pack.