The Worst Things For Sale

What does your living room need to achieve peak coziness? A 26″ wide wall-sticker of an elderly woman hitting a prescription inhaler. Obviously.

To fill the gap in the market between the egg tray that uses wi-fi to tell you whether or not you have eggs left, and the egg carton that comes with your goddamned eggs for free, there is now “Egg Holder for Counter-top,” the strip of wood with twelve egg-sized holes.

That’s not a positive thing. You might not want to brag about it.

I realize this is a quote popularized by one of the MythBusters, but that makes it even more weird. Why would someone ostensibly in the service of truth repeat this phrase, a rejection of group experience in favor of the delusion of self?

Is it simply that objective truth must be tempered with empiricism to be accepted by the public?

What do I “do” with all my Ninja Swords? I carry them on my damn back, in case there’s trouble. And there will be trouble if anyone asks again.

The Stone is a $30 plastic rock which pairs with your phone and has a motion sensor, thermocouple and button, all of which can be set to perform actions on your phone. Unfortunately, as the real reviews note, it doesn’t actually work, and you can’t carry it on your keychain (as they suggest in the picture) since that causes it to fall apart.

Like many new products, it has a bevy of five-star reviews that were left in exchange for getting a free item, which you’d think would be illegal, or at least against someone’s rules, somewhere, but don’t seem to be.

“Are you like millions of Americans who enjoy hot dogs year round?” asks The Hot Dog Steamer, and, of course, the answer is no. We tolerate hot dogs year-round, in the absence of the time, energy, or money to prepare healthier and better-tasting food for ourselves and our children. We have microwaves, and we put the hot dogs in there, and then we tolerate them.

There is a fancier version of this, with retro styling, which only serves to remind us that as the experience of the ruling class grows richer daily, we’ve been eating hot dogs for sixty years.

The Bracelet Flask holds 2.5 ounces of liquor. It would be a great low-key way to bring liquor into someplace where they won’t notice six huge metal rings on each of your wrists, clanking together like plate-mail armor as you enter the no-alcohol zone.