The Worst Things For Sale

The Otamatone looks like a cool mini-synthesizer. You slide a finger up and down the neck to change the pitch, like a slide guitar or tannerin, and open and close the mouth for a rudimentary filter.

The problem is that you can never produce a note that’s actually in tune. It’s not a matter of precision on your part. It’s the fact that the pitch ribbon doesn’t work smoothly, but instead jumps from one pitch to another, none of which are in tune with each other or with the Western tuning system.

I bought one of these a couple years back and assumed I just needed practice until I saw the official Otamatone demos (one of which is above) and realized not even the people who made it could get the fucking things to play a single note that’s in tune.

Afflictions of luxury are my favorite afflictions. Take, for example, the dog who is tired of falling off the treadmill at the neighborhood gym, knocking his dog magazine off the tiny treadmill lip, causing everyone else in the room to peel their faces away from Dog Oprah on TV. They stare as he limps back to turn the machine off, feebly using his mini-towel to sop up 16 ounces of dog vitamin water.

That dog shall suffer no more! And I don’t mean euthanasia! I mean his own treadmill, for only $799.99.

Tired of storing your wine in a reasonable place like a cabinet, a countertop, or on top of the fridge? Try the Wine Storage Wall Sculpture, at $107.99. The colored squares, wire parts, and random placement of wine bottles ensure it will match the other bullshit you have in your house, like those big blocks on your mantel that say F A M I L Y.

This little asshole, according to the promotional text, has been the target of bullying and cyberbullying. I wonder why.

Most sad about this kid is the fact that he’s been on talk shows promoting the no-cussing thing for so long he probably feels it’s impossible to escape. Locking himself in the bathroom crying, whispering “fuck fuck butt ass fuck dick ass” over and over with the shower running, knowing he can never say it out loud.

When your leftover credit-card bills are too sensitive to destroy in a regular shredder, try the $141,093.71 Datastroyer Model 1000.

Only have the occasional gas receipt or old grocery list to get rid of? Try the Datastroyer DCS 300 Light Office Disintegrator. At only 550 pounds compared to the 1000′s 14,000 pounds, it’s a breeze to install.

P.S. Whitaker Brothers, the manufacturers of this line of heavy-duty shredders, have their own website with more information.

The “Slide To Unlock” doormat is a great way to inform burglars that your house is full of Apple products.

The pink “Tapout” onesie and hat set is perfect for the zero-to-three-month-old infant who likes to cage fight. Or maybe they don’t like to cage fight, but it’s good for their motor skills, like “tummy time.” Or maybe it’s not good for their motor skills, but don’t be a wuss, get in there and leg-lock that other baby.