The Worst Things For Sale

The Auto Mee S is a robotic screen-cleaner for a phone or tablet. You turn it on and it cleans your screen. It makes slightly more sense on a tablet (see the pic here) but I’m still not convinced it beats wiping your phone with your shirt.

These silicone beer cups hold 16 ounces. They’re more expensive than a pint glass, or a plastic cup. A lot more expensive. But they also have one feature that neither of their competitors have: the ability to squeeze the cup so that you can spill your beer everywhere.

You can do the same with their squishable wine glasses, in case you’re the kind of person who prefers spilling red wine.

QR codes, the little square grids that you can scan with your phone (but nobody ever has) are now available for your house. If you ever wanted to put a QR code on your television remote, and have someone scan it with their phone in order to play a video you’ve made, this product lets you do that. (I’m not intentionally creating a bizarre use-case, by the way. The manufacturer specifically implies that you’d want to do this with your remote control.)

“Cats Love Jazz” is both the presupposition and title of this album, which seems to be a computer-generated mash of MIDI instrumentals, all of which clock in almost exactly at one minute and seven seconds. It seems to have been created by someone who has never heard jazz, but rather attempted to recreate it from a written description.

If you enjoy or “enjoy” this album (you can stream it from the link up there) there’s a pond-themed album featuring the bizarre organ-seizure titled “Ducks Have Bad Hands For Jazz”, though to be honest, a few seconds of any of these tracks is more than enough for most.

I guess Your Slyce is an okay idea. It’s a silicone divider that allows you to bake separate slices of pizza, but in the shape of a whole pizza, for people who want different toppings. But then you see the tagline: “Why compromise?”

“Indeed, why must any of us compromise,” Your Slyce whispers to you. “Isn’t it the lack of gadgetry or rubber shapes, after all, that’s keeping each and every one of us from living a fulfilled life?” You nod, believing that a more perfect pizza will let you escape the larger problems you have, until you scroll down and see the customer image from someone who used this single piece of rubber to make garbage dinner.

This Toblerone bar weighs 9.9 pounds, or, for our metric friends, 4.5 kilos. It’s not that the chocolate is bad, and the manufacturer does their best to convince you to share it, but we all know the fate of these 4,500 grams of chocolate. They’re all going inside a single person. You, if you buy it.

Can you control your insatiable urge for sugar, salt, and fat? Is it your fault that you ate the whole thing? Technically, yes, but realistically, this behavioral pathway is encoded in your genes. Find sugar, eat sugar. It kept the prokaryotes alive, and if you’re reading this, it’s worked well enough that you’re still here too. At least it’s not the five-pound Hershey bar, whose makers process the chocolate in such a way that leaves it smelling faintly of vomit due to its butyric acid content. (It’s not noticeable if you grew up eating it, but if you’ve ever heard someone referring to Hershey as “pukey,” that’s why.)

What’s most bizarre about this inflatable toy is not that it’s an ostrich, but rather that the manufacturer seems to be selling it on its relative safety when compared to riding an actual ostrich: