The Worst Things For Sale

When you can’t pick whether you want to punch, stab, or shoot someone, the M-TECH EXTREME Bullet Fist lets you do all three at once. I’ve written about the bullet knife before (a giant bullet that conceals a knife blade) but this has six more bullets, so it’s clearly better.

I don’t know why it would be captivating to “make your own shit” (there’s already a way to do that) but sensing a gap in the market, Poo Dough sells a kit for you to do this very thing. “Be A Prank Star!” they claim, although after the fourth or fifth clay turd you leave somewhere, it’s maybe no longer a prank, and more of a mental problem you’re inflicting upon others.

If you’ve ever gazed mournfully out of the window, thinking, “damn, I need a cube,” the L3D Cube is here to make your dreams come true. It’s an 8x8x8 grid of LED lights, and connects via WiFi to CubeTube, “The YouTube Of Cubes.” That sounds like I made it up, but, nope, it’s real.

Nintendo Switch? iPad/iPhone/Android/tablet/phablet/Kindle games? No. These guys suggest you bolt your regular big-ass Playstation or Xbox into this suitcase and play games on the little screen attached to the lid. The price is insane, sure, but the worst thing here is the manufacturer’s picture of two full-sized dudes crouched over their tiny gaming suitcase, craning their necks to try to make out what’s happening on the teeny little screen.

Every couple years, some company makes a new brand of caffeinated water. This one, Avitae, claims to have as much caffeine as a cup of coffee. Unfortunately, that’s not true. If you type “caffeine in a cup of coffee” into Google, it’s going to say that it has 95mg. But your typical cup of drip coffee at home is typically going to have around 150mg of caffeine. A venti drip coffee from Starbucks has an average of 400mg. At three bucks and change, that’s surprisingly cheaper than 4 bottles of Avitae, which will run you nearly eight dollars. It’s enough to “make you poop.” (Click that. Trust me.)

Some people don’t like coffee, of course, in which case it’s easy to get caffeine pills, which keep you from accidentally overdosing on a big bulk bag of powdered caffeine, as several people have done in recent years. It’s worth noting, though, that caffeine is not “God’s Speed.” You’re thinking of amphetamines.

When you get bored of the typical punching-bag or adult-bad-guy targets to carry out your martial artistry, Bobby Bully is here to be your four-foot-two target of hand- and foot-based violence. It’s more realistic than the jaunty, infographic-styled purple Practice Buddy, though I have no doubt that any true practitioner of child-fighting needs both.

“My son loves to beat … when he is mad. It’s the perfect size for my 6-year-old,” says one unconcerned mom. “My very destructive nephews … beat up Bobby instead of my husband and me,” adds another. That might seem slightly insane, but from where I stand, if you don’t use consumer goods to address the symptoms of your problem instead of addressing the problem itself, then it ain’t god-damned America.

Most scams come and go, but Alex Chiu has been selling his “Immortality Rings” online since the 90s. They’re magnets which you fasten to your little fingers with the plastic rings, as shown here, and, obviously, that makes you immortal, because of energy. When I first saw them on Web 1.0, accompanied by blinking text and webrings, the rings were his only product. Now, he’s expanded to black rings and foot braces, the latter of which comes with a warning that “these items are not made for comfort.” But we’re talking about immortality, not comfort. If you want to live forever, you got to strap on your damn magnets.