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Big Top Giant Donut Maker

giant-donut-maker

There are dozens of donut makers on the market. Some of them are kitchen tools to help you manually drop dough into hot oil. One is a “donut factory” which shoots donut dough out onto a tiny conveyor belt and drops donuts out the end. There’s even a donut maker shaped like a big donut.

But this one makes donuts that are twenty-five times larger than a regular donut. You pour donut batter into the mold and bake it in the oven. They have recipes for making a giant jelly donut, glazing your giant donut, et cetera.

A regular glazed donut has around 350 calories, which means Giant Donut has 8,750 calories. As you might imagine, one of the customer complaints is that the giant donut is not as big as the customer wanted it to be.

 

Russian Dash Cam for your car

rearview-dashcam

Russian dash-cam videos have gotten popular in the last couple of years, and so manufacturers have started selling dash-cams for use in America. But there’s a reason why “American dash-cam” isn’t a good search term. We just don’t have people here driving Ladas down the opposing lane of traffic at 80mph while listening to accordion-techno. Or hulking box-trucks that tip over and spill exploding gas canisters into a road without lane markings. The most you’re going to get is a guy who turns left through an intersection when he doesn’t have the green arrow, and if you yell BLYAD! IDI NA KUY!!! at that, you’re just getting yourself worked up.



Money Soap

money-soap

A cheap bar of soap costs two bucks, and Money Soap, which has a dollar bill inside each bar, sells for $11. It’s meant to tempt children to bathe, but I think it might be a crazy idea to spend $11 to bribe your kids with a dollar for bathing. Maybe I’m the dumb one, though, and I need to invent Money Shoes. Or Money Burgers. Finish your dinner and there’s real money in that burger. You swam out of my balls and now I have to pay you to stay alive. This society is definitely functional and it makes a lot of sense, kids.

Dirt, crayon, play-doh, bonfire perfume

demeter-crayon

Demeter perfumes generally smell exactly like what’s on the bottle. “Chocolate Chip Cookie” smells eerily like a freshly-baked cookie. “Tomato” smells exactly like a tomato, which is fine, if that’s what you want. And “Bonfire” smells like you’ve been outside next to a pile of burning wood.

But I’ve always been mystified why you’d want to put on their “Dirt” fragrance. It smells like dirt from the ground. Or “Cannabis Flowers.” Or “Suntan Lotion.” Or “Poison Ivy.” And now they have a “Play-Doh” scent. And “Crayon.” That’s actually what they smell like, too. Who is wearing crayon? Where do you wear crayon?

(autotune voice) IM IN THE CLUB SMELLIN LIKE CRAYON



Luxury Monopoly

luxury-monopoly

The “luxury version” of Monopoly allows you to spend $199.99 in real money on a game that will drive you and your family apart. The same company makes two-hundred-buck versions of Clue and Scrabble, in case your family’s still on your side after Monopoly and you want to drive them into a blinding rage by playing ZYMURGY on a triple-word.









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