10 October, 2013
The Toydozer, according to the manufacturer, is a “unique design” enabling kids to clean up Legos. It’s $14.99. It also happens to be almost the same exact shape and size as the plastic box and lid that several Lego sets come in:
I wonder where they got the idea.
9 October, 2013
“Think you’ve bated to the good stuff?” the man asked me, taking a drag off his cigarette. The butt glowed orange, illuminating the dark alley. I nodded, and he laughed. “You haven’t even scratched the surface, kid.” He reached into his briefcase and handed me a copy of Mating With The Raptor. “This lady fucks a raptor. A dinosaur raptor. A real one, that’s alive.”
Shaking off my disbelief, I walked away, hurriedly tucking the dinoporn into my jacket pocket. “Wait,” he called after me. “You forgot something.” As I approached him once more, he handed me Mounted By The Gryphon, Ravished By The Triceratops, and Taken By The Pterodactyl. “Now get home before that boner of yours explodes and takes out a pedestrian.”
8 October, 2013
“Comfortably Numb Deep Throat Spray” numbs your throat so you can perform oral sex on a penis more easily. I would have called it Throatfuckitussin, but they didn’t ask me, did they.
7 October, 2013
I can’t think of any legitimate reason why someone would buy, or sell, an empty iPhone 4S box. And once I started looking at these, I was mystified further. You can buy an iPhone 4 empty box, or an iPhone 5 empty box as well. They’re worth about seven bucks. I guess that makes me a seven dollar-aire.
6 October, 2013
I can’t show you the cover of this album. It’s got naked people and dead people and blood on it, which is probably what you’d expect from a band called Vulvectomy. It is, as you’d expect from the mp3 samples, some form of metal. So are, I’m assuming, the “Customers Who Bought Also Bought” bands called Guttural Secrete, Vomitory, Visceral Disgorge, and Prostitute Disfigurement.
5 October, 2013
The Ben & Jerry’s ice-cream lock is a cute idea, but seriously… if you don’t want to share a pint of ice cream, you can eat the whole thing. It’s only 1,400 calories. For shit’s sake, this is America. If you can’t put away 1,400 calories of ice cream in one sitting, you’re not even in the 50th-percentile of ice-cream eaters in this country.