Synthol: Fake Muscle Bulge Oil


If you’ve ever seen a bodybuilder who looks like he’s smuggling baseballs under his skin instead of actually building muscle, odds are that he’s used Synthol. It’s a mix of fatty acids (mostly coconut oil,) lidocaine, and benzyl alcohol. It’s injected directly into muscle tissue and stays there for years, slowly being broken down by the body. As you might imagine, it has horrifying side effects, including destruction of the muscle tissue it’s injected into. Since it’s not injected by any doctor who cares about their patients’ health, it’s also susceptible to infection. If you hit a vein, it may kill you instantly. But you might come out looking vaguely misshapen, so it could all be worth it.


Shit yeah! Show me more of those synthol muscles!


Thanks, guys!

For those who don’t want to roll the dice on Synthol but want to abuse their bodies in the name of muscles, there are actual steroids available online. The most well-known and well-tested anabolic steroids are illegal, of course, but just like recreational drugs, there are derivatives with no testing or use history that can be purchased legally. One is “M-Sten RX”, otherwise known as methylstenbolone, a quasi-legal anabolic steroid known to cause liver failure. Another is “Oxanvar” (epistane), a derivative of a breast-cancer drug which, when taken in sufficient quantity to cause muscle growth, often causes the body to stop producing testosterone.

Fortunately, for those of us who are unwilling to sacrifice our health in the pursuit of bigger muscles, there is an alternative.

Fake Parking Ticket


Sometimes other people don’t park well. It’s part of life. This pack of fake parking tickets has 79 customer reviews, which mostly bask in the glory of the poster’s superior parking skills. Many of them praise the fake parking ticket as being an alternative to keying someone’s car or throwing a brick through their window. The sheer number of people around us who teeter on the cusp of violence is staggering, though not entirely surprising.

Anthems For Dogs Only


I checked out “Anthems For Dogs Only” because I thought it was going to be an album of music you play for your dog. It’s not. It’s an album about having sex with dogs. While it’s hard to understand this guy’s bizarre speak-singing, in “Shut The Fuck Up” he brags, “My raps are better because of my bestiality experiences.”

And it’s not just a concept album – his second album “Damaged & Ruined” contains the tracks “Husky Cock” and “Everyone Should’ve Done Beastiality”, and his debut “Shoktro” contains the terms-of-service defying song “The Instructional Guide To Having Sex With Huskies,” where he insists that you find a romantic room before you begin the physical process of readying your dog for non-consensual intercourse.

The LOLcat Bible


You may be disappointed that Big Meme has colonized the funny side of the internet, but if you want a glimpse of hope for the future, take a moment to reflect on the fact that people don’t send “LOL Cats” around anymore. And the books they spawned are now worth a hot penny. Literally one cent.

Not just the LOL Cat Bible, either. “How To Take Over Teh Wurld: A Lolcat Guide 2 Winning” is on sale for $0.01. “I Can Has Cheezburger: A Lolcat Colleckshun” is also a penny. So is “How 2 Be Awsum: A Lolcat Guide 2 Life.”

We did it. We stomped a bad internet turd down into the shower drain. Corn and all, it’s consigned to the sewer of history, covers ripped off and returned to the publisher with extreme prejudice. Sure, the paper will be dissolved and recycled into the next book made out of a website, but for one fleeting moment, we were victorious over a corporate attempt to commodify humor.

Alpha Moves For Married Dudes


“The Ironwood Collection Of Alpha Moves” is an ebook that promises to teach a married man how to use pickup-artist manipulation to improve his relationship with his wife. I strongly recommend you hit the “Look Inside” link to take a peek into this man’s attempt to cajole his wife into intercourse, but if you can’t stomach reading something that begins with a picture of a fedora, you should at least know that he refers to sex as “nookie.”

You should also know that to “make her panties wet”, you should text your wife, “I want Golden Corral tonight. I’ll meet you there at 7:30. Order me a Coke if you get there first.” A man’s man, you see, always gets a Coke. It is the most alpha of sodas, m’lady.

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