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Secondhand Meme Profits: The Doge Shirt

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Why come up with your own ideas?

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The internet has ideas on it already. Just reach out and take them. Take two of them if you like.

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If you’re careful, you won’t even have to put a graphic on it.

doge-shirt-4We’ll be seeing this one for years. It’ll be in mall kiosks. They still sell “I Like Turtles” shirts from that one video, from 2007, after all.

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But, perhaps, after something ceases to be funny, when the humor has stiffened and begun to rot, the maggots of secondhand profits must carry it away, bit by bit, to become something else. And just like jokes on the internet, we, too, must be plundered, by bacteria, worms, and bugs, until finally our skeletons crumble, every last bit drawn up by a plant or animal to sustain themselves. So eternal. Much unity. Wow.

Dream Helmet

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The Dream Helmet is a thick blue bandage for your whole head. It has pockets so you can hide things next to your head at night. It’s supposed to help you sleep, though I’ve never been able to sleep particularly well with my keychain and wallet velcroed to my face.  

Stufz: Make Stuffed Burgers Like A Pro

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First of all, stuffed burgers are gross, because the cheese leaks fat and ruins the texture of the meat. And if you put onions, mushrooms, or garlic inside a burger, it doesn’t brown, it just gets mushy.

Several of the reviews mention that the plastic parts broke when it was used, and it’s not non-stick, so it’s impossible to get your nasty stuffed burger out of the thing to cook it.

On top of that, this is $19.95, and there are about a dozen ten-buck stuffed-burger-makers that actually seem to work. (Those are five separate links.)

But mostly, stuffed burgers are fucking gross.

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Urgh: A Zombie Memoir

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I didn’t think the zombie trend could get any dumber, but it’s happened. “Urrgh: A Zombie Memoir” is written in “zombish,” which the authors seem to imply is the language of zombies. You can read the first few pages online, but don’t say I didn’t warn you. 







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