It’s true that the most important things in life aren’t material goods. Buying someone nothing, to make a statement on the materialism of our society, would be a decent way to make a point… if you didn’t actually spend ten bucks on a piece of plastic that says “Nothing” to do it.

The best part about this is that there are multiple versions of “Nothing,” like this hang-tag version, and you can’t blame them, really. The profit margin on selling a piece of paper and a piece of plastic has to be enormous.

Healing Is Voltage


“Healing Is Voltage” is an insane treatise by quack doctor Jerry Tennant, who claims that cells operate within certain voltage ranges, and that we must measure the voltage of our organs, and apply external voltage to them to treat our diseases. Considering the book begins with a rambling 10+ page prologue complaining about Microsoft Word, the Oxford comma, Adobe, the separation of church and state, Wikipedia, boxing, the Constitution, and the Boy Scouts (hit the Look Inside link if you want to read it for yourself) you can safely assume it to be quackery.

Also, there’s the small detail that -20mV, which he claims to be “healthy”, is a lot lower than the electrochemical potential across the membrane of any functioning human cell. And cells have to maintain this gradient by using ATP to transfer cations (not electrons, as he claims.) But you probably don’t actually need an actual biochemical explanation of why alternative medicine is insane.

Stink Yourself Slim


This is a spray you mist in your kitchen, to somehow make yourself want to eat less food. It sells for $39.99 a bottle. In the Stink Yourself Slim dreamworld, the brain is a magical organ that senses your desire to lose weight and un-hungries your flabby body when you spray a magic purple bottle. Unfortunately, the theory that a rank-smelling kitchen would stop anyone from snacking can easily be disproven by anyone who’s lived in a college dorm.

You’re Such A Bad-Ass


So many cusses! You’re a major bad-ass!


Whoa, the middle finger! Epic!


It says the effer right on there! Dude!


Sooooo nasty! Your ass is soooo bad!!!



All About John Deere


Teach your kids about tractors with “All About John Deere: For Kids: the Music.” If that’s not enough tractor-based musical education for them, there’s always “All About John Deere: For Kids: the Music 2.”

Life In The Post-Meme Landscape


I lied in the title, because “rage face” and all the other memes from 2010 are still around, and people are still trying to cash in on them. Do you want a “Forever Alone” statue for your desk? If you’re a dipshit, yes, and sure. How about a “Trollface” bobblehead? You can tap it, and watch it shake while you exchange low-grade arguments with other posters on Aggro-Gator, or whatever cesspool of stupid images you prefer. Slip on your giant cardboard Rage Face and life your best life, like a vision board from The Secret, only full of memes. It’s your life and you want to fill it with the bottom of the Internet’s big barrel.

None of these memes are to be confused with Meme The Midget Inflatable Love Doll, of course.

Bluetooth Paper Airplane


How do you take something simple and cheap, and turn it into an expensive ordeal? In 2014, the answer is “Bluetooth it to your phone!” With the $49.99 PowerUp Smartphone Controlled Paper Airplane, you can do this very thing.

The world of paper airplanes could be an enjoyable, inexpensive way to spend time with your kids, friends, or coworkers, but why risk the chance of shared emotion or eye contact? Keep your looky-orbs glued to your phone, and replace the graceful arc of a well-folded paper glider with the buzzing gigahertz transmission of a smartphone-controlled trinket.

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