The Worst Things For Sale

Yeah, you can get hella official with this High Mass Set, but it’s gonna cost you. Like, a lot more than you think it’s gonna be. Hallelujah.

This is literally a ten-pound bag of dirt. It costs over $50. The seller claims it could have “natural gold” in it. You just have to pan it out yourself. The packaging and labeling looks legit, so how could you go wrong?

You won’t be able to fully grasp the insanity of the Ascension Healing Pyramid unless you read the description, which suggests specific orbs and symbols to be used with it to maximize your healing.

If you’re looking for something smaller, to heal, say, exactly two apples, then you’d probably want the nine-inch pyramid. Check out the pictures of this one to read up on the schizo-math that goes into healing exactly two apples inside a copper pyramid.

There is nothing dignified about The Man Sack, a kinda-testicle-shaped fanny pack, but there are fifty states in America, and none of them are called Dignity. That’s probably why a “frequently bought with The Man Sack” item is Tea Bagging, a reusable tea-bag shaped like a scrotum.

I thought I’d take a moment to write my own x-rated fortune cookies, because these aren’t very “x-rated”, and they’re not funny. If it were up to me:

Tonight, a mysterious presence will crank you off.

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a hog-crank.

You will soon embark on a magnificent journey, on a bus, so you don’t have to drive, so you can crank it.

Fortune favors the hog.

Crank the hog while it is still hot.

You can click through to see what they actually say, but I’ll warn you: mine are better.

What is “Earthing”? It’s a medical hoax that purports to cure your ailments by connecting you electrically to earth. This is a conductive mat which comes with a huge alternative-medicine price tag, and like most hoax products, it’s made out of about five bucks’ worth of plastic and wire. You plug it into your wall socket, where it connects to the ground plug, and then the magic starts.

If you’re convinced that this isn’t horseshit, you can read the book “Earthing: The most important health discovery ever?” The answer to that is probably no, but maybe you’re really gullible, and you want to get an even more expensive Earthing sheet set for your bed, and nail your ass to the ground while you sleep.

Some light from m’lamp, m’lady?