“doesnt load my NES GAMES!!!” reads a review of this animal cage being sold as a NES, and they’re probably right.

If you’ve ever seen a bodybuilder who looks like he’s smuggling baseballs under his skin instead of actually building muscle, odds are that he’s used Synthol. It’s a mix of fatty acids (mostly coconut oil,) lidocaine, and benzyl alcohol. It’s injected directly into muscle tissue and stays there for years, slowly being broken down by the body. As you might imagine, it has horrifying side effects, including destruction of the muscle tissue it’s injected into. Since it’s not injected by any doctor who cares about their patients’ health, it’s also susceptible to infection. If you hit a vein, it may kill you instantly. But you might come out looking vaguely misshapen, so it could all be worth it.

Shit yeah! Show me more of those synthol muscles!

Thanks, guys!

For those who don’t want to roll the dice on Synthol but want to abuse their bodies in the name of muscles, there are actual steroids available online. The most well-known and well-tested anabolic steroids are illegal, of course, but just like recreational drugs, there are derivatives with no testing or use history that can be purchased legally. One is “M-Sten RX”, otherwise known as methylstenbolone, a quasi-legal anabolic steroid known to cause liver failure. Another is “Oxanvar” (epistane), a derivative of a breast-cancer drug which, when taken in sufficient quantity to cause muscle growth, often causes the body to stop producing testosterone.

Fortunately, for those of us who are unwilling to sacrifice our health in the pursuit of bigger muscles, there is an alternative.

Sure, it’s just about the size of a real-life horse, but do you really want to pay this much for a lamp? And where are you going to put it?

This gummy worm is a disgusting 26″ long and contains over 4,000 calories of gelatin and corn syrup (among other ingredients.) If three pounds of gummy worm isn’t enough for you, there’s also a five-pound “World’s Largest Gummi Bear.”

If you watched crappy television in 2010, you probably saw a commercial for the Fushigi Magic Gravity Ball, a clear plastic sphere that you contact-juggle like a 2c-i casualty in a jam-band parking lot. It’s still being sold, and reviewers still hate it.

The Lanskin “Executive Lanyard Skin Case” lets you keep your iPhone where you need it, which is apparently right under your chin.

Here’s one more picture, but I strongly suggest you see the rest of the manufacturer’s photos of this thing “in use.”