Tag Archives: Absolute Worst

Hide Liquor In Your Tampons


“Tampon Flasks” are test tubes which come with fake tampon wrappers, so you can bring an ounce of liquor (per tampon) somewhere and then pour it out of your tampon into your drink. Or just drink it straight out of the tampon! Both of those would be totally normal in a public place.                                      

Animal Dildos


I’ve blurred this item, the “Trojan Horse Dildo,” because it’s an 18″ dildo in the shape of a horse’s dick. You can see the uncensored picture on the product listing if that’s your thing. The manufacturer describes it as “life-like”, which raises the question: Did they have to A/B test with a real horse to legally make this claim?

“Trojan Horse” has nice historical connotations, but if you’re buying a horse dildo based on how funny the name is, I’d suggest “Mr. Ed.” There’s also a dog dildo, called “Clifford The Big Red Dog Dong,” which steps it up a notch. But none of these hold a candle to the best animal dildo name of all. I present to you: “Moby’s Dick: Anatomically Correct Whale Dildo.”

Shittens: Butt wipe mittens


Are you mortally terrified that your bare hand might come close to your poop butt? Then check out Shittens, a butt-wipe that fits over your whole hand. The lone positive review said “My ass is just too big [...] inevitably I wound up with poop on the side of my hand, my knuckles, or wrist.” I think the problem this reviewer has could be solved in a better way than Shittens, but I’m glad he no longer has to deal with the horror of shitwrist.

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Contact drew at drew@toothpastefordinner.com or tweet him @TWTFSale.