Monthly Archives: April 2012

Eight people in a single fucking tent

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Somewhere at the crossroads of pollen, sunburn, bugs, poison ivy, rain, and being crammed into a tiny space with a lot of other people lies this 8-person tent.

Turning into a single humongous itchy hive and then having seven other people breathe down your neck and radiate body heat onto you seems like a great way to begin to hate people you’ve known and loved for years.



Hemp Protein Powder

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The macronutrients on this hemp protein powder are great in theory. It’s got Omega-3s, plenty of fiber, lots of protein, and so on.

Score one for the hemp legalization movement, until you actually try to drink a glass of this hemp powder, and you find out that:

1. It doesn’t dissolve in water.

2. It tastes like dirt.

3. It feels like drinking sand.

4. The sand catches in your throat and you think you’re going to choke on it.

Everyone dies eventually. Nobody can agree on what happens after that, except that nobody wants to be found in their kitchen, throat full of weed-sand, going down in history as the first person to die from consuming cannabis.



Triple Crock Pot

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Setting up food options for my parties was a disaster before I got a triple crock-pot! This time, I can have my warm mayonnaise, bubbling cream cheese, and hot greek yogurt ready for my guests as soon as they walk in the door.

As long as I don’t forget to order my pack of 275 frozen danishes for dipping, this party is going to be a success.

Blast Zone

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For the little asshole who has everything, the $399 Blast Zone Ball Kingdom is a great way to kill a square section of your lawn and keep your prince or princess away from the horror of public bounce houses.

I grew up in a time before bounce houses, so I’d imagine stepping into one of these bad ideas would be like suffocating inside a balloon that threatens to close in on you. But it might be that in the age of helicopter parenting, a smothering plastic piece of shit feels like home.



Birth Control is Sinful

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Don’t let the all-caps schizophrenic rambling fool you. This book is a concise, well-written guide to BECAUSE OF COMPUTER DICTATORS: MANY WORDS IN THIS BOOK: MADE HAVE BEEN CHANGED: TO»DISCREDIT: THE AUTHOR. BUT IN TRUTH: I AM A HOLYSPIRIT CHOSEN ANOINTED DISCIPLE FOR GOD & CHRIST JESUS.

New copies are $132, but there are a surprising number of used copies for the “bargain” price of $49. This suggests to me that the book has been purchased enough times for at least twenty people to read it and say “I wish she would have gone into more detail about *WHEN YOU SUPPORT & PROTECT MY HOLYSPIRIT LIFE. WE ARE BRANCHES >JOHN 15 MY WEBSITE:

Football football football

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I live in the middle of Columbus, Ohio, and probably half the people in this town of two million are fans of our college football team. So I don’t think it’s abnormal to be into football. But I do think that if you buy a $3,100 bench signed by some Miami Dolphins,  you’re just going to end up putting it in a spare room and setting stuff on it.

If you’re in the habit of buying sports memorabilia, you’re probably even going to put some signed helmets or balls on this signed bench. You’ll line up your football action figures on top of the landscape of sports equipment and whisper “Let’s go Football, let’s go” and make the action figures do high-fives with each other.

“I can’t get up this football mountain,” Brett Favre shouts up to Ochocinco. “The football is too big and it’s signed by a lot of great players.”

Ochocinco leans over, extending a hand. “I’ll help you up, Brett. We’re Football friends, and that’s the best kind of friends.”



Kids are full of shit

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It’s really comforting to think that there’s an afterlife. But “A little boy’s amazing story of his trip to heaven and back” just sounds to me like someone doesn’t know that little kids make shit up 24 hours a day. My daughter is always telling me she sees a rhino in the yard, or telling me that she can fly, so if she told me she went to heaven I wouldn’t suddenly believe her.

This book would be unremarkable but for the fact that it’s on the best-seller list.






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Contact drew at drew@toothpastefordinner.com or tweet him @TWTFSale.