When you were little, you got scolded for picking the cereal out of your Lucky Charms and just eating the marshmallows. Now is your time to live that horrible, horrible dream of your childhood. Pick up 8 pounds of cereal marshmallows and bury your stupid fucking face in there and eat until you die or someone from the Food Network gives you a cooking show.

The new iPod Nanos are light & tiny with a usable touch-screen. A wristband seems to be the ultimate compliment to this tiny glowing square of magic, until you try to actually use the iPod while it’s inside the wristband. By the twelfth time you jerk the headphones out of your ear by moving your hand the wrong way or too fast (not uncommon if you’re walking somewhere or working out) you’ll realize it’s about as smart as tying your finger to your earring before going on a jog.

With the $59 guitar pick punch, I don’t have to worry about spending less than a dollar on a high-quality guitar pick ever again! Now I can make flimsy, temporary guitar picks out of… my credit cards.

Great.

This urinal is labeled as being “high efficiency.” I’m not sure what that means in the land of urinals, but at $1,111,071.01, it had better reach out and shake my dick off when I’m done using it.

Unless it’s full of ATP, which is a molecule used to transfer energy between cells in the body, this four-ounce bottle of “Cell Food” is not full of cell food. It is, however, full of extract of a Malaysian plant called Garcinia Cambogia which has been shown to have no effect on weight-loss.

Just in case you think “oh well, no harm done,” Garcinia Cambogia has also been shown to cause liver damage. And the customer reviews for this $28 mildly-poisonous product include a woman using it for her husband’s cancer. So it’s not only ineffective and possibly toxic, but it’s pretty fucking depressing too!

Inspirational wall banner, your heart is in the right place, but here’s some real advice from a wolf:

1. Howl a lot and do it all night long.

2. Eat cats and small animals from a neighborhood.

3. Turn into a dog and go live in the neighborhood.

4. You’re a dog now.

Let me admit that I haven’t read “Cosmo’s Sexiest Stories Ever: Three Naughty Tales,” but I’d imagine it goes something like this.

Caroline touched Gregory’s weenie lightly, with her fingernails, because she knew it drove men crazy. “Wow,” Gregory said. “Wow, a lot, those fingernails are sexy.” Caroline smiled, and then took about 6 ice cubes and rubbed them on his huevos.

“That’s a cold and sexy huevo!” Gregory screamed. “Get that huevo mega sexy!” He leaned back, and sighed, and said “I’m definitely taking the kids to soccer tonight. You just relax and have a hot bath.”

Caroline smiled. It was so mega sexy for her man to do that. “You’re cooking dinner, too,” she purred, rubbing another ice cube on his huevo.