Monthly Archives: May 2012

The Orbitwheel


The Orbitwheel lives at the intersection of dorky and dangerous. The manufacturer tries to relate these $90 footwheels to skateboarding, but I don’t think the comparison holds up, because skateboarding is cool. This truth is self-evident. Like “I Have A Dream.”

There are a million shitty wheel gadgets for kids, but the product description is what does it for me here:

The two narrow wheels make them easy to slip into a backpack or carry in your hand. And when you’re ready to get going again,

What happened, did you fall off your Orbitwheel mid-sentence, DORK?

Cocktail muddler


Go ahead and buy a highly-rated cocktail muddler, pretend in your head that you’re going to get fresh herbs and fruit and use a special thing to muddle them with. Pretend you’re going to shake it, and strain it, and pour it out, and make a special little cocktail with a sprig of something, and wash all those extra dishes. Isn’t that precious to think about!

OK, now that we’re back in reality, make your usual cocktail by pouring half a glass of diet soda and glugging an unmeasured amount of any liquor into it.

Projection TV


Tired of the crystal-clear picture on contemporary 1080p HD televisions? Hate having something light and thin enough to hang on the wall? Then this Sony 53” projection TV may be the thing for you. Weighing in at 220 pounds, it’ll bring you back to the halcyon days of 2006. Maybe you can watch Flavor of Love on it!

HDMI Cable


You probably already know this, but a $2,000 HDMI cable is exactly as good as a $6 HDMI cable. The audio and video signals it carries are digital and you don’t need complicated shielding or special wire unless you have to thread your cable through a microwave oven on its way from your DVR to your television.

All of this is beside the point that a cable won’t make a shitty movie better.

Beehive cake


How many times are you going to bake a beehive cake? How often do you need a beehive cake pan? I know not everyone is a Cake Boss, or Cake Warrior, or Bitch Cake, or whatever the newest cake-based reality show is called, so not everyone can carve a beehive out of a square cake. But you don’t need this pan, regardless.

Purchasing this beehive pan will either turn you into “that beehive cake lady” when you make a beehive cake for every occasion, or “Mr. I Can’t Store Anything In My Cabinet Because My Beehive Cake Pan Takes Up All The Room.”

Faucet light


It’s a good thing they made a special LED light to hook to my faucet so I can tell if the water is hot or cold by looking at the light. Before this came along I had to touch the water with my hand, which was really complicated.

11 lbs of Nutella


Nutella is readily available in grocery stores across the country, so why you’d need eleven pounds of it in a single giant tub is anyone’s guess. Sure, it’s delicious, like any other combination of sugar and fat, but eleven pounds of Nutella has 27,000 calories. That’s two weeks’ worth of meals. Not two weeks of dinner, but two weeks of your entire caloric consumption, period.

It’s also worth noting that Nutella is only 13% hazelnuts and 7.4% cocoa. The majority of it is sugar and palm oil. If you want an authentic Italian hazelnut spread, Crema Alla Nocciola is 45% hazelnuts. It comes in a seven-ounce tub, too, so if you want to destroy your metabolism with it, you’ll have to suffer the indignity of manually entering a quantity of twenty-five tubs.

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