Welcome to Grosstown, Yucklahoma. Population: Your vajazzle.

Labeling the globs of sugar and wax that you market to children as “organic” doesn’t make them not globs of sugar and wax. The first four ingredients, which make up the greater part of the product, are, as a matter of fact, sugar. (Sugar syrup from cassava, aka tapioca; cane sugar; tapioca solids; grape juice concentrate.)

“No icky additives” is patronizing, especially considering that one of the ingredients listed is the ominously vague “Natural Flavors.” You can hide anything under the term “Natural Flavors.” Check this out. This is the actual FDA literature that defines a “natural flavor”:

The term natural flavor or natural flavoring means the essential oil, oleoresin, essence or extractive, protein hydrolysate, distillate, or any product of roasting, heating or enzymolysis, which contains the flavoring constituents derived from a spice, fruit or fruit juice, vegetable or vegetable juice, edible yeast, herb, bark, bud, root, leaf or similar plant material, meat, seafood, poultry, eggs, dairy products, or fermentation products thereof

I would call most of those additives “icky”, if that were a word I used, which I don’t. But then again, I don’t work for a food company that sells sugar bombs with a feel-good earth attitude.

Can you blame them for taking this angle? These four-dollar “organic” packets of sugar are one of the best-selling snack food items on Amazon. (By comparison, 115 grams of table sugar costs $0.44.)

What could go wrong with strapping a laptop to the steering wheel of your car? After all, it’s not like anyone would try to drive while they were doing something distracting. People who have drivers’ licenses take the safety of the road pretty seriously, so I don’t see any problems with this.

The Otamatone looks like a cool mini-synthesizer. You slide a finger up and down the neck to change the pitch, like a slide guitar or tannerin, and open and close the mouth for a rudimentary filter.

The problem is that you can never produce a note that’s actually in tune. It’s not a matter of precision on your part. It’s the fact that the pitch ribbon doesn’t work smoothly, but instead jumps from one pitch to another, none of which are in tune with each other or with the Western tuning system.

I bought one of these a couple years back and assumed I just needed practice until I saw the official Otamatone demos (one of which is above) and realized not even the people who made it could get the fucking things to play a single note that’s in tune.

Afflictions of luxury are my favorite afflictions. Take, for example, the dog who is tired of falling off the treadmill at the neighborhood gym, knocking his dog magazine off the tiny treadmill lip, causing everyone else in the room to peel their faces away from Dog Oprah on TV. They stare as he limps back to turn the machine off, feebly using his mini-towel to sop up 16 ounces of dog vitamin water.

That dog shall suffer no more! And I don’t mean euthanasia! I mean his own treadmill, for only $799.99.

Tired of storing your wine in a reasonable place like a cabinet, a countertop, or on top of the fridge? Try the Wine Storage Wall Sculpture, at $107.99. The colored squares, wire parts, and random placement of wine bottles ensure it will match the other bullshit you have in your house, like those big blocks on your mantel that say F A M I L Y.

This little asshole, according to the promotional text, has been the target of bullying and cyberbullying. I wonder why.

Most sad about this kid is the fact that he’s been on talk shows promoting the no-cussing thing for so long he probably feels it’s impossible to escape. Locking himself in the bathroom crying, whispering “fuck fuck butt ass fuck dick ass” over and over with the shower running, knowing he can never say it out loud.