When your leftover credit-card bills are too sensitive to destroy in a regular shredder, try the $141,093.71 Datastroyer Model 1000.

Only have the occasional gas receipt or old grocery list to get rid of? Try the Datastroyer DCS 300 Light Office Disintegrator. At only 550 pounds compared to the 1000′s 14,000 pounds, it’s a breeze to install.

P.S. Whitaker Brothers, the manufacturers of this line of heavy-duty shredders, have their own website with more information.

The “Slide To Unlock” doormat is a great way to inform burglars that your house is full of Apple products.

The pink “Tapout” onesie and hat set is perfect for the zero-to-three-month-old infant who likes to cage fight. Or maybe they don’t like to cage fight, but it’s good for their motor skills, like “tummy time.” Or maybe it’s not good for their motor skills, but don’t be a wuss, get in there and leg-lock that other baby.

What better way to say “I have to buy you something, but I am unwilling to talk to you enough to find out what you like” than an Amazon Gift Card? Available in increments as low as fifteen cents.

One of the current gift cards is Cinco De Mayo. Who gives presents for Cinco De Mayo? It commemorates an important military victory for Mexico, sure, but that would be like a British guy getting gift cards on October 14 for the Battle of Hastings.

Yeah, go on and touch ‘er! That’s real cardboard, son. She’s a beauty. My pappy shot ‘er a few years back. Used a crossbow made out of a bic pen, a rubber band, and a paper clip.

You open the front door and begin to run outside. “Nooooooo!” you scream. But as the last “o” leaves your mouth, the Fedex man throws your $25,170 crystal chandelier over the privacy fence, and it lands with a sickening crunch.

“Free shipping, motherfucker!” he screams, and throws the Fedex gang sign up above the wooden slats.

Making fun of self-published books is like finding lonely people at an Internet forum meetup. It’s not hard, and you can end up being mean to someone who just needs a hug.

The reason I wanted to highlight the book “Caffeine Killed My Family: Best Free Cure since Jesus Christ Himself” is for the author biography. Feel free to click on the title to read the author’s explanation of how caffeine detectors can save the human race, but this is the important part:

The author [ … ] would have gotten into medical school with 4.0 average. She is an athlete. She is good at eleven sports. She can also sing.