This is a big stand that you keep on your desk, and it takes up a ton of room. You put your iPhone in it and pretend it’s 2001, and you have a huge office telephone hooked to the wall with a wire. Not bad for twenty bucks, though, that’s not— Wait, it’s not twenty bucks? It’s $165?!

Huh. Okay.

Whether or not you like the way tattoos look, it takes some fortitude to sit for twenty or thirty hours while a dude drills into your skin with a needle. Your skin leaks fluid and it’s painful and itchy and you have to keep it clean and colored scabs fall off, and the scabs look like fruity pebbles. It’s hard, and it’s gross, and it proves you can endure pain for the reward of a drawing on your body.

Wearing two spandex cylinders printed with tattoo art on your arms to pretend you have real tattoo sleeves is ALMOST as cool as all of that, though.

Is this, reaching inside the oven and grabbing the oven rack, really how you burn your hand, a lot? And do you put the pizza right on the dirty ass oven rack anyway? Maybe you do, maybe this is all normal. Feel free to let me know if this is a normal thing you do with your human hand, sticking it in a hot oven and burning it before you remember the reason you’re going in there is that you were cooking.

The Lady Gaga Singing Toothbrush uses the electric motor in the toothbrush to “play” a Lady Gaga song into your jawbone, propagating the vibrations to your inner ear, where you hear a Lady Gaga song as a result. “Brush Buddies” is the brand name here, which is kind of weird, because if someone sang a Lady Gaga to me in my bathroom every time I brushed my teeth, I wouldn’t call that person a Brush Buddy.

Of course, if this thing played “Brush Your Teeth” by Kompressor, I’d think it was genius and probably brush my teeth five times a day.

Get it? It’s breakfast! But it’s a scarf!

THAT’S THE JOKE.

GET IT???????

Sex toys are fine. Dog beds are fine. But why are they being sold here in a combo pack?!

(Apparently people have bought this – read the customer reviews in case your mind is not blown yet.)

You might be expecting a lame compilation of classical music, but no, this album is full of insane, nasty Thanksgiving songs. I can’t post all 99 here, but:

1. Let Me Fuck That Turkey

5. Potato Ass

16. Indian Girl (U Fine)

17. Let Me Take Ur Land Away

31. Smallpox (Dat Pox)

42. Choadsgiving

46. Eat That Meat (Dick Meat)

Haha sorry, no, it’s actually just classical music.