You could use the Internet to order a few bags of inexpensive, good candy to give out to kids who show up on your doorstep this Halloween. But that’s not what is happening here, on this blog. Not tonight. No, I want to show you that it’s possible to order a box of TEN POUNDS OF BULK CANDY CORN, the worst candy known to man.
When Halloween comes, set that box out on your porch, and when kids approach, dig your dirty hands into it and drop fistfuls of the disgusting unwrapped triangles straight into their pillowcases. Tell every little Spiderman “What are you? A firefighter?” Ask every Disney princess “What are you? A firefighter?” It’s Halloween, you entitled little Nintendo addicts, have fun picking rainbow hell-wax out of your real candy.
Pine nuts are delicious. It’s too bad that in recent years, almost every brand of pine nuts is imported from China, and China has been sending us pine nuts that cause a bizarre reaction called “pine mouth.” A day or two after eating these tainted nuts, your sense of taste is muted (or even absent) and you can taste nothing but a bitter, metallic tinge.
Scientists continue to be stymied by what causes pine mouth, most likely because they don’t care. “Sorry that your whole mouth tastes like hell, but I have to go feed a rabbit Zoloft until it dies,” they say.
Maybe you believe trees have spirits, and souls, and they speak to you, and you like to go out in the forest and talk to them. If so, then it’s probably not too far-fetched that the tree spirit roots for football, and you should get it a football-themed tree face.
It’s really fucked up and ageist for the manufacturer of “Peepee Teepees” to say that it’s for babies, because I use them all the time and I’m a grown-ass man. Sometimes you just need to teepee your dill. This baby knows what’s up. Ageist-ass peepee teepee maker.
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