Monthly Archives: November 2012

iPhone 2001


This is a big stand that you keep on your desk, and it takes up a ton of room. You put your iPhone in it and pretend it’s 2001, and you have a huge office telephone hooked to the wall with a wire. Not bad for twenty bucks, though, that’s not— Wait, it’s not twenty bucks? It’s $165?!

Huh. Okay.

I guess it’s a good idea


I guess it’s a good idea to make a kid stop sucking their thumb. I don’t know. I never looked into it because my kid never did it. This weird little thing is called a Thumbuster and it either makes your kid stop sucking their thumb, or start sucking a Thumbuster.

My problem here isn’t with the device itself, but the poor kids who had to strap on this fluorescent thumb dildo and pose for pics with it. Each one smiling so the camera goes away, the kind of smile that says “I’m 8 and I hate being alive.” Flip through the gallery of customer pictures and tell me you don’t agree.

Fake tattoo sleeves


Whether or not you like the way tattoos look, it takes some fortitude to sit for twenty or thirty hours while a dude drills into your skin with a needle. Your skin leaks fluid and it’s painful and itchy and you have to keep it clean and colored scabs fall off, and the scabs look like fruity pebbles. It’s hard, and it’s gross, and it proves you can endure pain for the reward of a drawing on your body.

Wearing two spandex cylinders printed with tattoo art on your arms to pretend you have real tattoo sleeves is ALMOST as cool as all of that, though.

Burning your hand


Is this, reaching inside the oven and grabbing the oven rack, really how you burn your hand, a lot? And do you put the pizza right on the dirty ass oven rack anyway? Maybe you do, maybe this is all normal. Feel free to let me know if this is a normal thing you do with your human hand, sticking it in a hot oven and burning it before you remember the reason you’re going in there is that you were cooking.

Singing Toothbrush


The Lady Gaga Singing Toothbrush uses the electric motor in the toothbrush to “play” a Lady Gaga song into your jawbone, propagating the vibrations to your inner ear, where you hear a Lady Gaga song as a result. “Brush Buddies” is the brand name here, which is kind of weird, because if someone sang a Lady Gaga to me in my bathroom every time I brushed my teeth, I wouldn’t call that person a Brush Buddy.

Of course, if this thing played “Brush Your Teeth” by Kompressor, I’d think it was genius and probably brush my teeth five times a day.

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