14-karat Slinky

The 14-karat gold-plated Slinky is a great way to spend $108 of your hard-earned money in a way that will make you mad. Either you won’t be able to play with it, or the son of a bitch is going to get a kink in it immediately, and you’ll have to sit there and stare at your janked-ass gold Slinky for the rest of your life. You can throw away a five-dollar Slinky and forget about it instantly, but you’ll refuse to chuck this expensive, fucked-up spring.

They’ll throw it on top of your coffin before they start shoveling in the dirt, and your headstone will read CARRIED A BENT-UP SLINKY AROUND FOR LIKE 50 YEARS BECAUSE IT WAS GOLD.