If you hate women, but love staring at them, you’ll love the creepy “Ethereal Girls.” To begin with, I excerpted the cover, because I thought the detailed-yet-not-quite-right drawings of underage womens’ breasts and genitals was a little much to put on my blog. (If you must, click through to see the vulvae of your high-school notebook dreams.)

The author forbids any portions of his book to be excerpted without his express consent, so I am unable to provide the actual text here (it’s in the “Look Inside” button here if you’re truly curious) but I will provide you with a sample of what you might potentially find if you were to plunk down the ten bucks for this flagrant abuse of the English language:

Stacey was wearing a short, tight jean skirt, that was really sexy, and her butt was sticking out, causing it to bulge around her butt. She leaned forward and said “It’s time for cheerleading practice.” The other girls nodded and when they nodded their boobs moved. They all had really big boobs, and round. Wow.

Stacey wondered if the other girls had magical powers. “Does anyone have magic” she thought, and then a big snake woman, who had really big and sexy boobs, came into the gym. “I’m going to use magic.” She said. Her boobs jiggled as she said the thing about magic.

The snake shook it’s tail and hissed, and the other girls said “We don’t have magic. Please save us.” They looked really great and 1 was crying, and it went on her boobs, and the tear went down in the cleavage (between the boobs) and everyone saw it.

You might be looking at the product packaging for Bowser Beer, wondering “How is it beer if it’s non-alcoholic and contains no hops?” The answer is: It’s not beer at all, it’s just a mixture of barley, beef broth, and chicken. And at $16 for a six-pack, it’s more expensive than most actual beer.

The next time you want to give your dog a special treat, strap on a latex glove and express the hell out of his anal glands. It’s cheaper and the dog won’t wonder why you’re always chugging beef broth when you watch TV after work.

Why say “Happy Valentine’s Day” when you could say “Go in the bathroom and thread these plastic pearls through your mail slot and donut hole.”

I have a cereal dispenser in my house, and it didn’t cost $33. It’s called the box the cereal came in.

This benzocaine tastes great! The only downsie is tha I can’ fee muh wips. Or muh tuh. Mmmuuuuh. I cah fee muh fae.

I want coffee so bad I’m going to shoot you!!! Ha ha, no, just kidding, it’s just a gun mug, but if it was a real gun, everyone at this office would be dead, ha ha.

It’s a joke, why aren’t you laughing? Bang! Ha! Not a real gun, just a mug.

Natureday’s “Breast Enhancement Soap” claims to enlarge breasts when you wash your breasts with the soap. I was skeptical, but all of the obviously fake, barely-literate five-star reviews really convinced me.

The same manufacturer makes Breast Enhancement Cream, Breast Enhancement Pills and Breast Enhancement Liquid. Curiously absent, of course, is Self Esteem Enhancement Ointment, or It’s OK To Have Regular Boobs Loofah. That’s just the way the quasimedical herb industry goes, I guess.

By the way, that’s not a real picture of the soap. The manufacturer’s own JPEG was only 100 pixels across, so I did them the favor of creating a new picture for them. You’re welcome, Questionably Effective Titsoap Company.