The Norpro 370 Bread Slicer is a way to slice bread into uniform slices. Until the industrial revolution gives bread factories the technology to slice our bread for us, this is the best we’ve got.
Maybe you’re reading this and saying “But I make my own bread!” or “But I want to cut bread with this!” Then you’ll still be interested that this plastic piece of shit has over 400 reviews, who all seem to agree that they wish they could adjust the thickness of the slices, or wish that it wasn’t flimsy, or that the crumb catcher worked. Or that we’re marooned on this idiot-ass rock with 7 billion other lumps and our two choices are either that someone intentionally made us all to be miserable, or that we came about as an emergent property of the laws of physics and will simply cease to exist at death. I just wanted to cut my bread.
“You wanted to see me, boss?” I called into Herb’s office. He grunted, his eyes unmoving from the website he was browsing. As I stood in the doorway, eyeing the stacks of paper in his decrepit filth-cube, I noticed his mousepad.
“Volunteer Dildo Patrol?” I asked. He frowned and slowly turned to me, his aging chair creaking as it swiveled. I continued. “Does that mean you go out looking for rogue dildos? Or you’re trying to protect the dildos? Or does it—”
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