The Norpro 370 Bread Slicer is a way to slice bread into uniform slices. Until the industrial revolution gives bread factories the technology to slice our bread for us, this is the best we’ve got.

Maybe you’re reading this and saying “But I make my own bread!” or “But I want to cut bread with this!” Then you’ll still be interested that this plastic piece of shit has over 400 reviews, who all seem to agree that they wish they could adjust the thickness of the slices, or wish that it wasn’t flimsy, or that the crumb catcher worked. Or that we’re marooned on this idiot-ass rock with 7 billion other lumps and our two choices are either that someone intentionally made us all to be miserable, or that we came about as an emergent property of the laws of physics and will simply cease to exist at death. I just wanted to cut my bread.

I just wanted to cut my bread.

Why.

“Naruto 2009” is a rap album about the anime Naruto. It’s not just a retelling of the story, though. It’s a concept album where Eddie Rath is inside the world of Naruto and describes himself sword-fighting and fucking the different characters.

Audio samples are available on the product page, and even if you don’t know anything about anime, you probably want to listen to this.

Dog 3:16: For God so loved his dog, that He gave him dog peanut butter, for dogs, that was more expensive than normal peanut butter, even though normal peanut butter is OK for a dog, because a dog eats garbage and turds. Amen.

This miniature $160 ethanol-burning fireplace is perfect for a night in, when you want the ambience and warmth of a real fireplace, with the soothing soundtrack of “Shit. Shit. Ass. Motherfucker. I knocked— The rug. Shit. It’s spreading. Where’s your phone? Call the— No I don’t know where a fire extinguisher is. Call 911.”

This set of 3 magazine protectors allows you to protect… your magazines… from… ?

Maybe you can check out the page for this item and tell me what it’s for. I’m stumped.

This is a $32 t-shirt with electronics sewn into it, so you can “play the guitar” by pressing buttons on your shirt. The manufacturer has even added flames surrounding the guitar, so you can wear a flame shirt AND play shirt guitar.

It would be fun for kids, if it came in childrens’ sizes. Which it does not. Nope, this is for adults. Cool adults.

This is called “Spike Your Juice” and it’s a little kit to let you ferment fruit juice in your house. You know what it’s called when you turn juice into alcohol? Prison wine. You do it in an old bag, under your cot, and it tastes bad, and it costs nothing. Not $19.95.

Oh, and prison wine is not “a European favorite”, as the manufacturer describes. You’re thinking of real wine.