You ♥ moustache, huh? And you get to wear that out in public, all day, but I can’t take 10 steps inside the mall with my “I ♥ PUBES” shirt before the security guard tells me to leave.

Could you imagine liking a commercial so much that you buy merchandise of the commercial? Not the thing the commercial’s selling, but a souvenir, from the commercial, to remind you of the commercial.

Of course, this is America, so that market exists, and their need has been fulfilled. My only question is why hasn’t Progressive made a commercial for this bobblehead, and sold merchandise of THAT commercial’s character, because this could keep going forever, down and down.

We are the only life that we know of in the universe. There is only darkness for thousands of light-years in every direction, and this is what we’ve done with our light.

When I touch the commercial, she head bobbles.

The Sexflesh “Ride Me Transsexual” is a horrific, fleshy lump of plastic that’ll set you back $241. Rest assured that it’s not here for breaking the boundaries of gender. It’s here because it’s a dead body with dead eyes and a rigor-mortis penis and someone cut her legs off oh my god we have to call the cops we have to call the cops what are you

no

no please

no no no no what are you doing put your pants NO PLEASE NO NO NO WHY ARE YOU DOING THAT TO THOSE “THREE WAITING LOVE OPENINGS”

The Discovery Kids Ice Cream Maker is, apparently, the worst ice-cream maker in the world. It’s made of plastic, which breaks as soon as the ice cream starts to freeze, and the liquid mix leaks out of the container. (The reviewers seem to unanimously agree that it’s worthless.)

It’s a shame, too, because kids can learn a lot from making their own consumables instead of just buying them at the store. Two years ago my daughter couldn’t even spell cigarette, and now she can roll them behind her back with one hand.

These colored pencils look pinteresting, but if you read the manufacturer’s description, they tell you not to sharpen them, because the colored part doesn’t go all the way through the pencil. It’s just a tiny bit they glued into the tip. That’s like if a ballpoint pen only had enough ink to let you doodle a few circles to get the ink started.

The name “Sticky Buddy” is bad enough on its own, but in the commercial for it (above) they made a lady spill food all over herself and Sticky Buddy her entire body to get all the crumbs.

(The Sticky Buddy is a lint roller, but as you might expect, it’s not that sticky, stops working, et cetera, per the customer reviews.)

Do you know why I pulled you over? Because I’m a dog and you made me wear a police costume.