“Let’s rub our dead-ass pelvises together,” the skeleton said to the other skeleton. “Mmmmmm, bones.”

If you’re still writing with a pen that draws lines of ink, why not trample the heads of the world’s poor while you do it? This $69,350 pen should do the trick. It’s made of 18-karat gold and, for some reason, was designed by Sylvester Stallone.

I blogged before about an item I found containing 8 pounds of cereal marshmallows. Well, Kraft, makers of all sorts of health-food items such as American Cheese Squares and Liquid Cheese And Wheat For Children, has topped that by selling a FORTY POUND BAG of cereal marshmallows.

Don’t worry about licensing someone else’s character/content, or even tracing that “meme” you found – just save that shit straight off Reddit and slap it on a $11 coffee mug.

Oh, and don’t try to make it look like it’s bending around the mug or anything, just slap it on there.

What’s better than drinking hot coffee and driving? Brewing hot coffee while you’re driving, with the Roadpro 12-Volt Coffee Maker.

“But I’m still hungry!” you cry, shooting down the interstate at 78 miles an hour, while you try to dump coffee grounds into the precariously-balancing Roadpro Coffee Maker. Then I offer to you the Roadpro 1.5 Quart Slow Cooker. One jerk of the wheel and you’re not only covered in scalding coffee, but in piping-hot chili, soup, or stew.

Poo-Pourri is a spray bottle full of oil that you spray in the toilet before you take a dump, to supposedly “stop embarrassing odor” by trapping the poop odor in the toilet.

The problem with this idea, of course, is that poop doesn’t smell once it’s in the water. The reason it smells when you poop… okay, you know what? I’m not going to give you a scientific explanation on this one. Think about it, and then don’t spend $24.95 on a bottle of toilet oil, and if you must, gawk at the 186 customer reviews who love Poo-Pourri.

The results of a polygraph machine, known as a “lie detector”, has been repeatedly proven to be inaccurate at best, and wildly misleading in most cases. Official court opinions (including those of the Supreme Court) have been issued stating that polygraph results cannot be used as evidence due to their inaccuracy.

Of course, the manufacturers of Real Lie Detector: USB Polygraph have chosen to ignore this, going instead with the pitch “Easy to use. Hook up your friends and get the truth.”