Happy Valentine’s Day! Whether you’re settling in for a culturally-mandated gift exchange with your life partner or getting owned by the constant reminders that you are painfully alone, Milked By Force: The Complete Collection is a book you won’t enjoy. It may, however, make you appreciate that you aren’t into non-consensual human lactation.

These books were so poorly written that even discerning lactation consumer “Anime9999″ gave it only four stars out of five. If the lactationers won’t five-star a lactation story, you know it’s gonna be a real turd in the breastmilk.

As always, you can hit the “Look Inside” link to view the depths of this tithorror, if you’re not eating.

The Airwheel is a self-balancing one-wheel electric scooter, in case you wanted a Segway but were afraid it wouldn’t make you look nerdy enough. It seems to be the knockoff of Solowheel, which is the same thing, but twice as expensive.

Okay, so your car is… your car likes to go to… vomit?

Oh, so it doesn’t go to vomit? Okay. That makes more sense.

Your car also doesn’t go to vomits. Sure. Why not.

With the media fuelling fears that someone may be watching you through your computer or phone camera, you can now buy solutions for this problem. “But can’t I just use a piece of paper or any sticker or any piece of tape?” you ask. Yes! You could! But you could also buy one of these:

CamPatch ($7.99)

Eyebloc ($6.99) 

C-Slide Webcam Cover ($5.99)

Creative Cam Covers ($9.99)

CamJAMR ($5.95)

For only $299, you can have this mask thing, which… trains your face. “Say goodbye to needles and knives,” says the product description, among a dozen other dubious claims.

The Wonderbag is a $50 cloth-and-foam insulating bag. The idea is that you can slow-cook your food by boiling it in a pot and then bagging it up inside the Wonderbag, where it’s insulated from cooling and continues to slow-cook for the next few hours, like a crock-pot, without power consumption.

Unfortunately, not only is this a $50 cloth bag, but it doesn’t insulate well enough to keep food above the minimum required temperature to stop bacterial growth (140 F.) One reviewer measured her Wonderbag food at 128 degrees after 5 hours of cooking, which suggests not only that it’s not a safe way to cook food, but that you likely can’t leave your food in it for 8 hours (a typical crock-pot recipe cooking time) as it would be nearly cold and riddled with bacteria.

The company does promise to donate a Wonderbag to a family in Africa for every one you buy, though, so if your goal is to wipe out the population of an entire continent through food-borne illness, this may be the fifty-dollar bag for you.

There’s apparently a huge market in cat videos. Not the ones you watch on your computer that have cats in them, but videos that you put on your TV for your cat to watch. You can choose from Video Catnip, Cat Sitter, The Purrfect DVD, Cat Dreams, Cat DVD, and a dozen other titles.

If you’re not feeling like this is a troubling advancement for humanity, I urge you to watch the Cat DVD infomercial and report back.