The Mattel “Ucreate” is a $50 box that lets kids combine pre-recorded samples to “express themselves through creating their own songs.” Apart from the fact that kids have been learning to play regular musical instruments for thousands of years (which actually allow them to learn technique and music theory), the manufacturer has dropped their online support for the product, so it can no longer connect to a computer.

One of the comments, a five-star review which is definitely not fake, reads “Everyone knows that music is all the rage with kids!” Ah, yes, those kids with the bippy-bop and the puddin pops. They jimmy-jam but it’s not even music, it sounds like a burglar banging trash cans together. The kids love it though.

“Casting” is the fetish of being in a cast or having sex with someone else in a cast. “Nadia is Home Alone” is the tale of a woman who goes horseback riding, breaks all her shit, and then someone fucks her while she’s casted all to hell.

The same author wrote “Taking Care Of Derek”, where the fetish apparently also involves running a wheelchair-bound cast boyfriend into the wall, in his wheelchair. Boom! How you like that, Derek? You erotically like that? I thought so, because it’s your fetish, Derek.

Finally, a shoe rack that requires me to balance my shoes on a narrow metal ledge, and scuffs the tips of them. It’s what I always wanted.

Hey! Kid! Psst! Over here! Yeah, the dancing guy! Come closer!

You ever heard of drugs? You want some drugs?

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“Is your dick shooting lightning bolts, or are you just happy to see me?” Neither! It’s a belt buckle that looks like a plasma globe.

The new Amazon FireTV just came out yesterday. As is the norm with new gadgets, there are already over 40 one-star reviews, complaining about one thing or another. A surprising (okay, not surprising) number of them try to include Obama in their complaints about the $99 box that lets you talk into the remote control and watch infinite TV. One of them said Amazon is destroying the environment by not powering their servers with windmills. And someone else gave it a one-star review because “I have no idea what the hell this does.” You’d think these are the people who’d want to talk to the TV.