Monthly Archives: October 2014

Ebola Suits



Ebola is the new fear of the doomsday/apocalypse crowd, and you can hardly blame them. There aren’t many other diseases that cause your body to bleed uncontrollably and self-liquefy. So it’s only natural that the free market is stepping in to take money away from these scared people, thirty (or a thousand) dollars at a time. Behold EBOLA Protective Kit, EBOLA Gauntlet Cuff gloves, Ebola Survival Handbook, EBOLA Hand Sanitizer, and my favorite, the Ebola Protection Suite, an over-$1000 triple-layer full-body protective suit.

Crosley Turntable


While the Crosley “Portable Turntable” is cutely designed, it’s a terrible thing for vinyl records. The cheap needle and headshell included with the unit isn’t standard or easily replaceable/upgradable. The counterweight isn’t adjustible, which means that records can skip and/or wear rapidly. On top of that, several reviews mention that records played on the unit actually rub on the lid (which you can see in the picture here) since it was so poorly designed. If you want to listen to records (or rip them to mp3 to make them actually portable) you need the Audio-Technica AT-LP120.

iPhone Radar Detector


If you’ve ever asked yourself, “How can I make sure I look at my phone while I’m driving way over the speed limit?” then the Cobra iPhone Radar Detector is the answer. The only way it could be more dangerously distracting is if it held french fries, though, in the world of bad-decision consumerism, anything is possible.

Sarah Palin Knife


You might think that Sarah Palin, the losing candidate from an election that happened six years ago, would be hard to merchandise. But there remains a stalwart Sarah Palin audience out there, continuing to collect Halloween masks, bobbleheads, 2016 election magnets, reading glasses, and, as above, knives emblazoned with her eerie grin.

Whatever your political affiliation, having a Sarah Palin obsession is bizarre. Collecting this stuff would be like wearing a Bob Dole mask, carefully dusting your Bob Dole figurines with a Bob Dole feather duster.

Butt Acne Clearing Lotion


Pimples on your butt aren’t actually acne, but that didn’t stop Green Heart Labs from making an insanely-expensive skincare product called “Butt Acne Clearing Lotion.” It’s a combination of typical acne medication (glycolic and lactic acid) and homeopathic ingredients (which are 100% water.) So it might work to reduce dermatitis and scarring from ass pimples, but at the same time, so would any other topical medication that contains alpha-hydroxy acids. And those don’t cost so much.

Reiki For Pets


Reiki is the name of a faux-medical scam that involves the practitioner touching your body with their hands, and then imagining that healing energy is coming through their hands into your body to heal it. (I’m not joking or exaggerating – that’s actually what Reiki is.) Since it’s alternative medicine, and therefore not able to be subjected to the scientific method, its practitioners can do whatever they want with their imaginary healing powers without being subject to regulation.

Bringing alt-medicine to the world of animals has to be lucrative, then, because unlike a human, a dog or rabbit won’t know you’re a lunatic when they see you approach them, adorned in crystals, crazy look in your eyes, murmuring, “I have healing energy in my hands.”

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