If only there were something caffeinated we could drink with breakfast so we wouldn’t have to spend $45 on caffeinated maple syrup.

“It’s not a LEGO MAN, it’s a minifig,” Lego collectors whine in unison, and they’re technically right. It’s a $900 Lego minifig, which, despite the name, is not made out of gold. It’s made of plastic, like almost every other Lego piece. These were randomly distributed in packages of normal pieces, and resellers are scalping them for high prices.

My main reason for writing about it here, though, is the reviews obviously left by children. “horrable,” one writes, “bull garbage.the thing is bush legue .” Another review, titled “dumd stupid,” adds: “it is not worth 999 dollers do not buy.”

The Snow Wolf almost looks like a good idea at first glance. Until you realize the shovel is made of plastic, which means it’ll break when you hit ice or a bump in the pavement (several reviewers have noted this.) The wheel is not pre-assembled, which means you have to put the wheel together by hand, including the process of pushing a long strip of rubber into an uneven plastic rim. There are 97 pieces in all you have to assemble, in fact. And it costs a lot more than a snow shovel should.

The $2,000+ “Zero Gravity Chair” is made of springy wood and tilts into different positions, referring to the furthest-back as “zero gravity.” It’s a shame that sitting in a recliner doesn’t actually nullify gravity, because if it did I’d be a fucking astronaut for like 5 hours every day.

This $995 eyepatch is the one worn by a guy in Austin Powers, the movie from 1997. It’s no replica, buddy. It’s the actual eye patch the guy had on when he was acting.

If that doesn’t make you excited, how about a $795 gremlin puppet face from Gremlins 2: The New Batch? You remember that movie! It was the 1990 sequel to 1984′s Gremlins, which was the first movie about gremlins, in this series.

No? How about a $495 knife from the 2006 movie Snakes On A Plane?

Still no? I guess you just don’t appreciate art.