Yes, cigarette lighter, I got asshole. I… I use… (lowers voice) I use asshole to crap.

This keyboard, manufactured overseas, lists one of its features as “humiliation function.” Surely the American purchasers of cheap, exploitative-labor-made computer peripherals would take this in stride, right? They wouldn’t bite the hand that feeds their insatiable lust for cheap hardware, would they?

As you might expect, no, they couldn’t stop themselves. Hundreds of commenters flooded the manufacturer’s listing to make fun of their use of English as a second language. It truly is a humiliation keyboard, but for us, that we share a language and a continent with these petty, sad people.

Why would you need a selfie stick when you could have the Cellfy Wrap? It’s a suction-cup device that lets you attach your phone to a tree, so you can take a picture of yourself, using a tree, and your phone. Check out the picture of the lady using it that’s captioned “Nobody around? No problem.”

Just me alone in the woods with my suction cups. Not depressing at all. Right, trees?

Trees?

Call them “monster popsicles” if you want. We all know what you’re gonna do with ‘em once they freeze.

“Porn For Women” is a book that implies that women don’t actually want to have sex, or read about sex, or see erotic pictures. Nope, it’s a single joke, repeated over and over, that women want men to do chores, and then they want to reward men for the chores by fucking them, as an exchange of value. Progressive AND hilarious.

Just because two words sort of fit together, it doesn’t mean the result is going to be a good product. The Sportula exists as proof.