When you’re shopping for dead squirrels, it’s tempting to go for the classic Old West cowboy squirrel, with his hat and tiny revolver. A mid-level dead-squirrel enthusiast might go for the hunter squirrel, decked out in orange vest and rifle. But the true treasure of dead squirrels is the Canoe Squirrel, rowing down the river of Eternity with his proportionately-sized paddle and craft. Just a passenger on the ship of life, like all of us, except dead, and full of polyester stuffing, with no eyeballs, and glass beads sewn beneath the skin to give the appearance of life.

While books on “crystal healing” are a dime a dozen, it’s rare you get four-of-a-kind: crystals, essential oils, superfoods, and aromatherapy. Throw a hunk of garlic and a big-ass Rose Quartz on your Morgellon’s and see those horrible little threads disappear. Sniff a vial of lavender oil and rest your restless legs. It’s all in here, and it’s real, and crystals are my friend, and they’re strong.

I wrote about this once before, including Cads About Matrimony and Crabs Adjust Humidity, two older bootleg “parody” ripoffs of the popular Cards Against Humanity game. While those are still available, new ones have entered the market, most egregiously Carps & Angsty Manatee, above.

The vapRwear, a $99 piece of apparel, is a hoodie with a built-in vape. If you’re afraid it might be a discreet way to hide your substance use in a place no one would suspect, the sleeve printed with a huge VAPE logo should assure you that it’s not.

Do not be afraid. I am just doll.

I am doll. I love you. 

“Put fake poop on toilet seat, then spray the fart spray!” brags the manufacturer of the Fart And Poop Combo Deal. Merry Christmas to you too.

We’re all searching for meaning. This dog is just one of us, bumbling through the universe, never getting more than a tenth of a percent of the way to enlightenment. Who are we to judge this creature? Who among us would be the first to say that silently stalking a victim in the night for revenge before returning home to tongue the deeply-resonant indigenous Australian instrument is no way to achieve bliss and knowledge? Not I, and nor should you. Namaste.