Monthly Archives: December 2015

Baby Gender Predictor

gender-maker-pregnancy-descriptor

While predicting a baby’s gender with a spit test before birth currently doesn’t work at the time of this writing, you can’t blame manufacturers for selling widgets that claim to do it. They’ll only be wrong half of the time, on average. I picked out GendeR makeR (above) for its extraordinary name alone, but there’s also Intelligender, Baby Gender Reveal Kit, and Baby Gender Prediction Kit. The names are awkward, but if you think about it for a second, you can’t call a product BabySex.



Donald Trump Toilet Paper

donald-trump-toilet-paper

If you wanted to ass off on Donald Trump, you probably don’t need this roll of Trump toilet paper. You could use a Four Billion Dollar Trump Bill (fashioned to look like a 2010′s-style bank note) or even a regular old printed-off JPEG to do the trick. But more importantly, it’s worth noting that the #1-best-selling novelty toilet paper is a 3-pack of Barack Obama TP, suggesting not only that the shitting-on-a-face level of discourse is more popular among that demographic, but that they actually use it as their regular toilet paper to the extent that they buy multiples.



Race Wars: The Prepper Fantasy

race-wars-the-book

If you’ve ever wondered what the subtext is for the hobby/fantasy/obsession of “doomsday prepping”, it is, of course, far-right-wing politics. It ties gun-culture together with vigilantism, the destruction of federal government, and a bit of ethnic cleansing. Usually they’re a bit coy about the business of murdering non-whites or implying that they’ve died due to not accumulating guns and bullets before the apocalypse, but not here.

The author has written 18 volumes of Race Wars.

Drum Machine Shirt

drum-machine-shirt

The only thing less comfortable than wearing a t-shirt with a circuit sewn into the front of it is being around someone who’s playing a drum beat on their fucking drum-machine shirt. If you’re going to insist on playing “drums” at your desk at work, at least get a Mr. Knocky.



Indium supplements: A scam (of course)

indium-xl

One of the latest naturo-homeo-vitamin supplement scams involves indium, a soft metal with no known biological function. Its makers claim that it reverses aging and gives you more energy, which, curiously, are also the same claims that every other supplement scam makes. The only thing that separates indium from raspberry ketones, saffron extract, and garcinia cambogia is that Television’s Dr. Oz has not endorsed it yet. But maybe he will, by the time you read this! (Read my articles Fuck You, Dr. Oz and Dr. Oz Strikes Again if you don’t already know why this guy is such a piece of shit.)






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Contact drew at drew@toothpastefordinner.com or tweet him @TWTFSale.