“The hell you wanna cut my beard for?” pleads this male cosmetology mannequin, with his beautiful blue eyes. At least it’s not this extraterrestrial mannequin, who looks like the damn cover of Communion.

I don’t want to spoil it for you. Click through to the listing and hit the “Look Inside” link to read the contents of this 400+-page book titled “Fuck.”

“I drink it by the wine glass. I am a serious pickle juice drinker,” writes one reviewer of Premium Pickle Juice. Strangely, though, it doesn’t seem like Premium Pickle Juice is any better than regular old eight-dollar-a-gallon pickle juice. A reviewer of the latter writes “It’s very good I drink 1/4 to 1/2 cup every day.” Customers who like this probably also fucking like drinking the water from the top of the ketchup bottle.

“They didn’t have your name,” reads this personalized rubber duck. So, surely, you could purchase a plain one instead?

“Great for bosses,” lies the box of the Pee-On Urinal Picture Kit. Sure, you can print out and piss on a picture of a sports team, a corporation, a political figure… no problem. But probably not your boss.

But it doesn’t matter to most of us either way, until they make one that works with the portable children’s urinal that you use by pissing into an alligator’s mouth.

For the person who values a dog’s ability to hunch out a log over its companionship and loyalty, there is Pooping Pooches 2016, a self-explanatory calendar. There are multiple shots of the log dogs on the listing, if you need to see that without buying it.

Then again, we live in a world where there are hundreds of differently-shaped piles of fake dog feces, the most popular of which is “Chunky Dog Doo.”

There’s never been a kidding-not-kidding as large as the “Cat Hair: Both A Fashion Accessory And A Condiment” apron. Yeah, it’s a joke, but also, this is the demographic who has bought thousands of copies of Crafting With Cat Hair, a book for people who save their cat’s hair to use as a craft supply, so it’s also not totally a joke.