Monthly Archives: February 2017

Ring Bell For Sex

ring-bell-for-sex

The bell arrives in the mail, and you take it out of the package, placing it on your kitchen counter. Days go by, and then weeks, until, one day, impulsively, you reach out and decisively tap the plunger. DIIIING! You smile, but then, as the peal fades into the background hum of your house, there’s a knock at the door.



The Clapper

the-clapper

The progenitor of smart-lights and home-automation controls, The Clapper, first released in the mid-80s, allowed you to turn on lights by clapping. It didn’t always work, and would register other sounds as claps, and wouldn’t turn on when you clapped, but persisted despite these failures and is still available today. The customer reviews are even better than you’d expect, with treats like “I will sit and clap for ten minutes and FINALLY the light turns on” and “your hands become sore from clapping!”



GambleBox

gamblebox-money-box-for-casino

GambleBox is a pocket-sized safe you use to “lock your winnings away” instead of gambling them away before you leave the casino. To use it, you’d have to convert your chips or tickets to cash before cramming them in this tiny metal box (you can see it full of money here.) And you’d actually have to win money at your game of choice before you start losing it, in order to have anything to stuff into the GambleBox.

But the main issue is the fact that GambleBox identifies a problem (compulsive gambling) and enables it rather than provides a solution. It’s frequently-bought-with this book about how to use strategies to play slot machines, which are required by law to yield completely random results, and “$LOT$ CONQUEST,” which would be a great rap name, but is sadly just another book with an imaginary system purporting to teach you how to beat a random-number generator.

RX Destroyer

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RX Destroyer is a bottle that converts drugs you don’t want into a slurry, which you then put into the trash to send the drugs harmlessly into the landfill and then the groundwater. I’m mostly posting it here because I’m dreaming of a mom angrily cramming nugs into the bottle, jamming the sticky buds down with her thumb into the slurry as she whispers “Just Say No” over and over.



Sex Monopoly

xxxopoly-adult-monopoly

How do you make sex boring? I’m glad you asked. The answer is XXX-opoly, the adult board game that turns your sex life into a chore that makes you hate your partner.

The Trophy

trophy-and-son

Congratulations, trophy… you did so well at sports that they gave your infant child back to you. The other trophies were not so lucky.






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Contact drew at drew@toothpastefordinner.com or tweet him @TWTFSale.