This fairly-normal-looking USB-to-Lightning charging cable contains a SIM card, which allows you to call the USB cable with your phone and hear what’s going on in the room where the USB cable is plugged in. It also tracks the owner’s location with GPS.

You’re now aware that any of your charging cables may contain similar hardware, enabling someone to listen to you in real time and know your location. (Android users, you’re not safe, either: there’s a micro-USB version too.)

Just driving to, you know, church, with my extremely heavy zippered bible on the seat next to me. No need to open the bible, there’s definitely not a gun concealed inside.

Described by the author as “packed full of Sudoku puzzles [and] poo facts,” Poodoku is, at the time I’m writing this, the #63-best-selling Sudoku book on Amazon. I mostly posted it here for the cover, which, as you can see above, includes a Sudoku puzzle that’s entirely pixellated, and a pre-shitted roll of toilet paper seemingly drawn with Paint.

What good are socks if they can’t connect to your phone via Bluetooth? That’s the question the makers of Sensoria Smart Socks were apparently trying to answer. Hellishly, the sock app that connects to your socks will give you “voice commands” to instruct you to alter your cadence and landing as you’re running, which sounds like a great way to fall or injure yourself as you run.

As with other “smart” exercise devices, the socks’ other features, like GPS mapping and speed/distance tracking, are already taken care of by the phone you need to operate the socks in the first place.

If you’ve ever used a disposable floss pick and thought, “This is great, but how could I waste even more plastic and packaging?” the Brushee, a single-use disposable toothbrush, is your answer.

Bitcoin, somehow, keeps increasing in value, and along with it, alternate currencies are capturing billions of dollars of wealth. Now that it’s regularly being covered in the mainstream media, and the average person understands it’s worth a shitload of money (if you can convert it back to dollars, which is more difficult than it seems) it’s dumber than ever to wear cryptocurrency shirts. (See this case of a guy who was kidnapped and had $1,800,000 worth of Bitcoin stolen at gunpoint.)

“Crypto Millionaire” is an obvious one, because it literally begs someone to steal your money, but the “99 Problems But My Bitcoin Ain’t One” shirt isn’t much better. And “Bitcoin Whale” literally means “I have a shitload of Bitcoin.” More obvious even than Bitcoin Whale is “I bought before it reached $10.000.”

Tangentially, the “Jesus Loves Bitcoin” shirt, while not an overt advertisement for your crypto-wealth, is only for people who never heard what Jesus did to the moneychangers.

Anyway, if you get biffed over the head with a rock in a sock while you’re waiting for your UberX, and someone steals your Monero, Ripple, or Ethereum by forcing you to authenticate a currency transfer, as this shirt says, “told ya.”

For those who love the awful motion-detector paper-towel dispensers in public restrooms, you can now own one for your kitchen, and wave your wet hands in front of it over and over, until it finally dispenses a single paper towel.